Self Discipline is the Highest Form of Self Love

September 29, 2019September 29, 20192 Comments

Last night I shared a quote in moon circle that I am completely in love with. “Discipline is the highest form of self love.” I shared it because there was a woman in the circle who needed to hear it. There were probably others who needed to hear it as well. I need to be reminded of it constantly. Someone recently commented on one of my FB posts that I am so disciplined. And I loved that she saw me that way. It’s more true than not. I am all about self love. I am all about naps, and eating to nourish my body, writing in journals and big fat bubble baths. With snacks. Self love can look like that. Self love can also look very different. I once had a therapist tell me I had to learn to love myself enough to tell myself no. I have no doubt that I was filling her ears with all sorts of nonsense that was going on in my personal life. I got away with ridiculous things because nobody ever told me no. Nobody ever told me I couldn’t/shouldn’t do a thing that was obviously harmful. In fact, I talked most people into doing those things with me. I had some pretty unhealthy habits going on at the time. Loving myself enough to tell myself no wasn’t one of them. This was just one of many things she told me that I paid no attention to. Because it was all bullshit. I really could not fathom living a different way. Until I did. I stopped drinking before I wanted to. It was a have to. Looking back, I realize that giving up alcohol was a radical act of self love even though it felt like the exact opposite. Self love is also saying yes to the things that are good for us. I had to say yes to AA because that’s where I was going to meet sober people. Sober people didn’t exist in my world. I had to go to the weird meetings with “those people.” I wasn’t like those people. I was different. Special. That therapist assured me that I was not special. Just like that. “You’re not special.” Asshole. I was pretty sure she was wrong about that one. I was pretty sure she was wrong about most things. But, here’s the truth. I’m not special. None of us are. And we all are. We are all humans doing the best we can with what we have to work with. Back then, I didn’t have a lot to work with. But I have had some amazing teachers on this path and I am a completely different person than I was 6 years ago. Because I pay attention. This morning I sat down to write about Discipline, but I hadn’t yet been on my mat and I just couldn’t bring myself to write about something I wasn’t practicing. So I got up, went down on the dock and practiced yoga. Because I love myself enough to do the things I know are good for me. I love myself enough to pursue the things that are going to lead to my ultimate happiness even when they aren’t necessarily the things I feel like doing. My alarm is set for 4:30 am. On weekdays, I wake my children around 5 am. This gives me 30 minutes to myself. I use this time to meditate and write. My preference would be to drink coffee and scroll on my phone. I’m not perfect and sometimes that is exactly how I spend my quiet time. That is NOT what nourishes my soul. I don’t wake up at 4:30 excited to write and sit in silence, but I do it because I know it keeps me sane. It keeps me connected. I’m not telling you to wake up at 4:30 am. In fact, every evening before I fall asleep my mind begins to tell me all of the reasons I can’t wake up in the morning and do what I want/need to do. If I listened to this voice, I would never practice in the shala because Wilmington is too far to drive. I would never get on my mediation cushion because I have chores to do. I would never sit down to write because someone, somewhere, needs me to do something for them. There are always reasons that I shouldn’t wake up early for my morning practices. They are all very believable reasons. The little voice in my head throws them all at me when I set my alarm and get in bed. That’s my self sabotage voice. This voice will have me wasting my time, sitting on my ass, drinking coffee and scrolling on my phone. Really. That voice will have me wasting entire days if I let it. I don’t have that kind of time because there are so many things I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I really do need days that are quiet and restful. Recovery time after big “extrovert events.” I need solitude. We all know I need my naps. But, I also need to do the things I know are good for me. Especially when I don’t want to. I only dread these things until I get started. And then……then comes the sense of accomplishment. The good feelings. The joy. I have been practicing this lifestyle for quite a while now, and I know the practices that keep me centered. I am not a runner, but I am willing to bet that runners don’t jump out of bed eager to go running every day. I also imagine the people who hit the gym every day don’t always feel like it. Artists probably don’t want to create every day. I could go on and on, but you get it. Everything we do is a practice and being disciplined is no different. Discipline is loving ourselves enough to say no to the things that aren’t good for us and loving ourselves enough to say yes to the things that are. It’s dropping the distractions to focus on what truly needs our attention. It’s picking up our tools when we are having a shitty day and using them when we want to wallow in misery. It’s keeping the promises we make to ourselves. Discipline really is the highest form of self love.

Recovering Out Loud

June 9, 2019June 10, 20193 Comments

I have ALWAYS been out loud about my recovery. I was out loud in my drinking, so I found it necessary for my own recovery to not be anonymous in sobriety. When I was drinking, I was sure social media was all about taking photos of everything I drank and every drunk thing I did. Including posting photos from the back seat of police cars and hospital rooms. Being social media sober seemed like the natural follow up to that. It’s a tool I have used since day one to help keep myself accountable. Getting sober was HARD. Staying sober is easy. I have so many resources and tools available to me. Really, it’s just not difficult today. Because I have tools and resources. I live in an alcohol free home with a very supportive husband. We used to drink together. A Lot. When I made my first few attempts at getting sober (there were many), my husband thought it would be fine to still have a 5 pm Scotch or two or maybe three. It was not fine and I ended up right there with him and I kept right on going long after he stopped. I could never have one or two or even three. It never even occurred to me that I was supposed to drink with any other intention than to get completely hammered. Because that’s where the fun was. Or so I thought. I’m sure it started that way. It certainly didn’t end that way. After a few failed attempts at getting sober which included trips to hospitals, Psych wards, detoxes and rehabs, my husband came to understand that if I was going to get sober in our home, there could be no alcohol around. Even when I didn’t want to drink, I always managed to. I didn’t like Scotch so that “shouldn’t” have been a problem. But as soon as something didn’t go my way and I was upset that Scotch of his was good enough to do what I needed it to do. Numb my overwhelming emotions. I was convinced he was an alcoholic and that it really wasn’t fair that I was the one getting sober. Truth be told, he was a little concerned about this too. We were in the habit of drinking together. As it turns out, he was able to leave it. He didn’t have a drink anywhere near me my entire first year sober. He rarely drinks today, and when he does, he doesn’t get wasted and it’s just not an issue. He’s one of “those” normal drinkers. Normal drinkers are cool, I’m just not one of them. When I got sober, I had to unfollow a lot of my friends on social media. I saw them partying and having fun and not inviting me. I felt left out. I also appreciated the fact that I wasn’t invited so I didn’t have to say no, but still…I felt left out. Lonely. A constant theme in my life. I remember calling a friend one evening and as she answered the phone, I could hear her scrambling and banging and making all sorts of racket. She was in the middle of a party and tried to get into her bedroom where it was quiet so I wouldn’t hear what was going on. Sweet and hilarious, because believe me, I could hear exactly what was going on. The more sober I got, and the more practice I had with handling my emotions, the less those things bothered me. It still hurt my feelings that most of those friends fell away and didn’t invite me to do things, but I am sure I made them uncomfortable. The majority of them don’t socialize without alcohol (and lots of it). No judgement, it’s just not where I am today. And since I’m not invited, it’s not an issue. Drinking people are not a problem for me. Drunk people are. It’s not a fun space to be in. In all fairness , when I was drinking I didn’t want to be around people who weren’t drinking either. So I got used to missing out. Eventually that “fear of missing out” turned into the “joy of missing out.” I slowly got comfortable in my skin and began to enjoy my time alone. My family got me back and I like to think they enjoy having me, fully present for them. I know I sure enjoy spending time with them. Since I had no friends that wanted to do the “weird” things I wanted to do, I had to learn to do things alone. Most of the “weird” things I wanted to do were in groups, so I wasn’t even alone, I was just on my own. In a group. This is how my world slowly started to expand. I began meeting people who liked the weird things I liked. Weird = Spritual. So, not really weird, just different than what I had been doing my entire life. And it was ALL new to me. Today I have friends everywhere. Sober friends. Goddess friends. Yogi friends. Meditation friends. Old friends. New friends. Internet friends that I haven’t met yet. Family friends. And I am a friend to myself above all. That’s a big one. I have a huge outer circle and a small inner circle. I have people I can count on. Sober me is super lovable. Drunk me, not so much. I have extra appreciation for those who loved me through that and stayed. The girl who doesn’t get invited to parties went to four parties in the last two weeks. One of them was mine, but still. 🙂 One of them was a party for a dear friend who I love all the world full. My invitation went like this, “Would it be weird to invite you to my margarita bar party?” I think that was the first invitation I have received in 5 sober years. Seriously. Or maybe I am making that up and it’s just the first party I actually went to. I’ve been to Christmas parties. But that’s family, so I don’t think it counts. I am sure my husband has been invited and by default I was invited, but really feel like this was a sobriety first for me. I went to her party that was FULL of people I love, had a bunch of fun and laughed and then laughed some more that I still managed to shut the party down. At 8:30 pm. Because that’s the kind of friends I have. And I LOVE it. Last night I went to my first ever sober party. As in a party by a sober person, for sober people. I didn’t have to worry about taking my own drink. Everyone ate food because that’s what sober people do at a party. I heard hilarious stories that only sober people would think are funny. Sometimes, when I’m around people who aren’t in recovery, I forget they haven’t lived that life. Until the moment I notice sheer horror on their faces. Then I wrangle it back in and explain that THAT is the exact reason why recovery is so important to me. I am reading “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober” by Catherine Gray and I really can’t recommend it enough. Especially to newly sober people. It takes me back to the early days of sobriety and just how bad everything sucked. Until it didn’t. In recovery circles “the pink cloud” is often talked about. It’s a magical place where some of us find ourselves as the haze of alcohol starts to wear off and we start to find joy in the simplest of things. At 5 years sober, I am happy to report, that I am still riding that pink cloud. I’ve learned to look for joy in the small things. I’ve learned to do things that feed my soul and feel good to my heart. I’ve learned to stay away from things that suck. ALL of being sober is an unexpected joy because I knew when I got sober that fun was no longer a part of my life. My life was over. I could not have been more wrong. We all know the quote “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” That describes my experience with getting sober perfectly. Best. Decision. Ever.

Life is a beautiful practice

May 26, 2019May 26, 20191 Comment

I took a solid 6 weeks off from writing on the blog. On purpose. Because I haven’t had time to be here. Or, I guess I should say that it hasn’t been a priority. But don’t you worry, I’ve been busy writing in my journals. All 23 of them. LOL That “might” be a stretch, but those of you who journal will totally get that. I have a journal for everything. My mind is a busy place. For the past 6 weeks I have been practicing Ashtanga Yoga in Wilmington. If you know me you KNOW because I will take any opportunity I can to talk about it. I wrote about my plan to check it out in my last post. Right here. I really wasn’t sure I would love it. But, because I am me, there was a 50/50 chance. Love or hate. No in between. As it turns out, I can add it to the list of things I LOVE. Isn’t it great how the things we need come to us at the perfect time. If we are open and paying attention. How could I not love a tradition that honors the natural cycles of the moon as well as the natural cycles women’s bodies? In Ashtanga there is no practice on full moon and new moon days. And then there’s “Lady’s Holiday.” Not what I would have called it, but definitely a time that I don’t want to be on my mat twisting deeply and locking my mula bandha. I had an aversion to taking this holiday for about two minutes. Because it seemed like taking the easy out. Which is weird because I constantly tell my students to honor their bodies. I have a yoga period story that I won’t share here, but it helped me in making the decision to take the days off. That and a 5 am text to my new teacher asking what he recommended in that situation. That wasn’t awkward at all. 😂 For the record, he recommended that I honor my body and take the time off. I am learning to do just that. Slowly. I thought I had the honoring my body and being gentle with myself part down, but the things that go on in my head at times, make it clear to me that I’m not there yet. It’s also obvious to me that I have come so far. I’m not my own worst enemy anymore. Not on a daily basis anyway. I’m learning to step onto my mat and let go of expectations. Some days my body pleasantly surprises me and other days it’s like WTF? I’m not the strongest person in the shala where I practice. I’m not the “best” if there is such a thing. (*hint* There’s not such a thing) Some days I fall out of headstand. Headstand. Really. I haven’t yet completely learned the sequence in such a way that I don’t have to stop and think about it. I still forget poses in the sequence. I don’t have the opening and closing chants memorized yet. I haven’t yet learned all of the Sanskrit names of the poses. My brain is still busy for at least the first half of my practice. I can’t fully do some of the poses. But none of that matters. I have found a practice for ME. I get to be a beginner. I get to learn and grow. I get to show up for me. I come home to myself every time I step on my mat. I am learning the importance of slow and steady and I am reminded of progress not perfection every single time I enter the shala door. And I am grateful. My teacher is one of only two authorized Ashtanga teachers in all of North Carolina. His shala is only 45 minutes away. How awesome is that? Today I woke up at 4:30 so I could practice in the shala at 6:30. It was 1000 degrees and so humid that the concrete floor was slick with condensation. I loved every minute of “trying not to die.” I can do hard things. I can do the hard things until they become easier. On the mat and off of the mat. Yoga Sutra 2.46 Sthira sukham asanam – Asana is steady and comfortable. Learning to find steadiness and ease in the challenging poses on my mat is where it all starts. I can take that out into the world and into my life finding steadiness and ease in the most challenging times. Life is FULL of challenging situations. Life is a beautiful practice. Yoga teaches me so much.

Be Still and Know

April 14, 2019April 14, 20191 Comment

I tend to live my life in a perpetual state of what’s next. I had an Akashic reading recently. If you are unfamiliar, you can read about Akashic Records here. During the reading I asked my guides what lesson my soul is here to learn. I promise, I was expecting an earth shattering discovery. My answer was anything but. The answer pissed me off. And made me laugh. Patience. My soul is on this Earth to learn patience. I mean, who the fuck doesn’t want to learn patience?! It got a bit better when my guides told me that I should also know that my intuition is one of my greatest gifts and I shouldn’t let my head get in the way of what my heart knows. The reading was 90 minutes. I can sum it up here in four words. “Be still and Know.” Not sure I needed the reading for that, but it’s always a good reminder. I have a tendency to want to move on to the next thing. I will love a thing and love it and love it some more. Until I don’t. Then I’m done. My husband is thrilled that I have stuck with “The yoga thing.” The “yoga thing” is what centers me. It’s not going anywhere. In fact, it could be that I’ve outgrown being either all in or all out. I’ll have to take a deeper look at that. Yoga has definitely opened me up to a world of things to fall in love with. Things I hated in the beginning. Dancing and Kirtan being at the top of the list. But, you may remember, I also hated yoga in the beginning. For a LONG time. We all know how that story goes. So what’s next? Retreats. I have plans for several women’s retreats. A Recovery retreat and a Rebel Soul Sister Retreat. What’s next might also be school. Real school. I have been sitting with that for quite a while now and I still haven’t committed. Maybe putting it here on the blog will give me a push. Sometimes things take me a few years. Sometimes they happen overnight. What’s next could be writing a book. That one has been on my mind far longer than school. At one point I was sure this would be the year. Both of those things terrify the shit out of me for very different reasons. I know I’m capable of doing either of those things. Fear doesn’t stop me from doing things. Just waiting for the nudge. The big one that I can’t ignore. For right now, my what’s next is as simple as a new practice. Ashtanga Yoga. Ashtanga is a beautiful and challenging practice that I have been interested in for years. I have never practiced due to a lack local teachers. At yoga church last week, my teacher mentioned that she was taking an Ashtanga workshop. That opened up a conversation about the practice. That same evening, a friend commented on one of my FB posts and mentioned a Shala in Wilmington. Shala implies Ashtanga. So I went to Google and sure enough there’s a Shala in Wilmington. Apparently, it’s been there for years but completely off my radar. I immediately emailed the place and talked to the teacher. I made a plan to start this week. Then, as if I needed confirmation that I’m supposed to go, an Ashtanga yogi came to my class yesterday. She’s the only person I know who practices Ashtanga. She rarely comes to my classes and when she does, it’s clear that I’m not really teaching her anything. I love to watch her practice. So strong and beautiful! Having her there yesterday was an extra nudge from the Universe. I am excited to learn more about this practice and as weird as it sounds, I am excited about the discipline involved with it. Those who know me, KNOW how excited I get. This is something I am super excited about. As of late I feel a bit off center and ungrounded. Ashtanga is a daily commitment to come to my mat in a new way. It will take my “morning practice” to a whole new level. Chances are I will hate it. 😂 Yoga is moving meditation for me. An opportunity to still my mind and tune into my body. An opportunity to “be still and know.” Whatever is next is definitely coming. I will know what it is when the time is right and I will embrace it. I will embrace the shit out of it, like I do. For now, I am getting a lesson in patience by resting in the “in between” and simply enjoying where I am. Maybe that’s what the Akashic reading was about. And really, what’s not to enjoy?

Beautiful, Brave, Badass

March 3, 2019March 3, 20193 Comments

I’ve been avoiding this space for almost an entire month. I have been busy filling my time with things other than being still. I’ve missed blogging and thought about it almost daily. I just haven’t quite been able to sit down with my laptop. Last night I went to the big city of Wilmington for Ecstatic Dance. So. Much. Fun. While I was there, I met a woman who said she knew me. Our mutual friend told her she knew me because I am FaceBook famous. FaceBook famous is our joke. This woman said no, she knew me from reading my blog. Her therapist had sent it to her and told her she should read it. She told me how she knows EVERTHING about me now, which was weird and awesome all at the same time. She said she loves my blog. That was the final push I needed to get my ass back here. I love it here. The last time I was here I shared that I was finished with therapy. I’m sure I called it being kicked out of the nest, because that’s how it felt. It took me a day or two to get over that, but I’m ok. I have all the tools I need. My therapist was right about that. That push may have been exactly what I needed to do the work I had been avoiding with her. I work best alone, but I also want someone to check in with. I still have that support system in a million different ways. The first thing I did was sit on my dock and journal all the feels of “being alone.” Which I’m definitely not. Then I decided the time had come for me to be an artist. I went to Pinterest to compile a list of all the things I would need to start an art journal. The next morning I went shopping. And just like that, I AM an artist. Most of you saw the photos on FB, because you can’t be FB famous if you aren’t posting there. I spent that entire weekend with my head down and ALL IN some art journaling. I’m so grateful that I worked through The Artist’s Way last year, because it really made it ok for me to just do my thing and not judge my work. Honestly, I art like a 5 year old, but I am totally OK with it. I spent that weekend doing the thing that I wouldn’t do in therapy. Writing my trauma story. It was awful and I hated it, but it’s just what happened on those pages. I didn’t buy the journal and art supplies with that intention at all. Once that came up, it wouldn’t stop. The beauty of the art journal was that I immediately painted over those awful words. I covered up those horrible things that I never want to see again. Not that I covered it up to make it look pretty, because that’s not where I was in that process. The act of writing it was huge and something I have avoided since I started dealing with repressed memories resurfacing. It was huge because once I started, it just flowed so fast and wouldn’t stop. I could have left the words in the journal, uncovered, but what would be the point in owning all those art supplies? I can’t quite express how it made me feel to be all up in the art process, but I think that’s why art exists. To express what we can’t put into words. Those pages of paint are exactly that. It was so powerful and so cathartic. Brave. I felt brave sitting through all those emotions as I worked in my art journal. I felt like a beautiful, brave, bad ass. I knew I was going to be crafty, but who knew I was going to be an artist? 😉 That’s a new tool for me and I am loving it. After a weekend of intense writing in that journal, I ended the process with a Monday morning dance party in the studio. Such a wonderful way to move through the emotions of the weekend. When I left the studio that morning I felt so much lighter. I’ve been back in the art journal a few times since then and have every intention of sticking with it. The thing about writing a “trauma story” is that it triggers new memories that I get to process. But it’s not all gloom and doom. Some of those pages are pure joy. I just show up to the pages exactly as I am and then it somehow all sorts itself out. Some days I don’t know until it’s on the page. It’s so different than anything I’ve done before. I definitely see the value in it. But it’s messy and not as quick to access or clean up as a journal. I can write anywhere, anytime. And I do. I haven’t had a healing session of any kind for almost three weeks, which is unheard of for me, but guess what? I feel great and I don’t need a thing. Well, I probably DO need a massage and since March is here, I know I have some energy work and “woo woo” appointmens on my schedule. Oh. And there was that Shamanic Journey I went on with Roger the Shaman today. 🙂 I have my meditation practice, I practice yoga, I write, I dance, I take ALL the baths. I go to meetings. I have moon circles and women’s circles of every kind. I was asked to be the speaker at an AA meeting this month and that’s the ONLY thing affecting my mental health. I have anxiety about it already. Oh the irony. My mental health game is strong and if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have left therapy. I know it was time. And now my Wednesdays are open for giant Goddess lunches and cacao ceremonies with circle dancing on the beach. I know how to fill a void. Believe that. I know how to fill it with beautiful and loving things today. ♥️

Letting go

January 23, 2019January 23, 2019Leave a comment

Ahhhhhhhh! I am out of the weird ass moon energy and back on top. Where I like to be. One might think that after two years of living in sync with the moon cycles, tuning into them and paying attention, I wouldn’t be so surprised or knocked on my ass by a big super moon eclipse. One would be wrong about that. Because whoa. I know I wasn’t alone in that. I heard it at my moon circle from other women. I saw people freaking out on social media. I felt it in my soul. Lost. Lonely. Off. How fortunate that I have so many practices to keep me “sane,” and so many friends to keep me grounded. When I remember to lean on those supports. I’m out of my bathtub now and living in the big world again. It feels great. When I wrote my Sunday blog, I said that my week had been uneventful. That wasn’t entirely true. Last week a 7 year relationship with a very dear friend switched gears. I would say we are finished being friends, but that is a bit extreme. Our roles in each other’s lives have changed dramatically and I’ll be way less involved with this person and vice versa. It sucked and made me sad during an already (overly) emotional time. After years of knowing this needed to happen, my heart and my head were finally in alignment at the same time. The moon??? After a long conversation with my friend, the letting go happened. Just like that. It needed to happen so my soul can grow in other directions. This doesn’t make it hurt less. I know that “when we let go of the things that no longer serve us, we create space in our lives for that which inspires us.” We create space for growth and joy and life. I know this. I teach this. Somehow, I’ve been forgetting to live this. For years…..That letting go left me feeling more lonely and more lost….but I sat with it. I sat with not feeling centered and not feeling OK. I sat with lonely and lost. I set an intention for the feelings of Calm Abiding to wash over me and hold me. Taking it back to basics and knowing that this is the soil I need to be rooted in so I can grow. I’m growing. On Monday afternoon I connected with a friend in Wilmington. We hadn’t seen each other in a year or more. She and I did yoga teacher training together. Anyone who knows that life knows it’s a true bonding experience. We had lunch and talked about our teacher training experience, among other things. Life things. I mentioned that I might want to write my own Yoga Alliance program and become “a school” to lead teacher trainings. As it happens, my friend has done that and IS able to lead teacher trainings. She said she wasn’t feeling quite ready to do it on her own. We briefly discussed the possibility of doing it together but made no plan. We finished lunch and headed out. On my hour long drive home, I let the thought roll around in my head. I pictured what it would look like and how it would feel to lead a teacher training with her. By the time I got home I KNEW. I knew it would be intense. I knew it would be a learning experience. I knew it would be fun. Guess who loves intense? Guess who loves to learn? Guess who loves fun? This girl does! All the details will be available soon as we are just starting to put our heads together. I can tell you that it’s coming in April. A 3 1/2 week immersion. Yoga for Inner Peace. It is in complete alignment with who I am and what I teach. Our special focus will be “Nurturing the Inner Self.” A beautiful co-creation. I am so excited! Once again, I am amazed at how quickly the Universe responds when I get out of my own way. I AM connected and divinely guided.

Dream World

January 20, 2019January 20, 20192 Comments

I published a post on Wednesday that touched a lot of people in a lot of ways. It became clear that I am not alone in feeling lonely. It became clear that perhaps I was throwing a little shade. It became clear that I was blaming others for my hurt feelings. It became clear that people have a desire to “fix” me when I am feeling less than joyful. All of these things are fine. I’m down to do the work I need to do around my hurt feelings and shade throwing. We all have a shadow side. It’s not a problem unless we deny it. I know some shit. I show up and write what’s in my heart and on my mind. Not what I think people need to know. I love that people read my words and FEEL. What they do with those feelings is completely out of my control. There is FREEDOM in that. I am not here to hurt feelings. Ever. I am not here to be fixed. This is my space. I appreciate everyone who takes time to read my words. What you do with that is NOT my business. I am thrilled some of you have therapists. I am NOT a therapist. My therapist has reminded me of that a time or two. Or three. 🤣 I wrote my last blog right before a therapy session. The one about loneliness. Something magical happened in that. I named it, claimed it and tamed it. I am sure we talked about those feelings. I don’t even remember now. And life went the fuck on. As it has a tendency to do. My week was uneventful, but here I am sharing my uneventful week anyway. Because it’s Sunday and it seems like the thing to do. I journaled more than a 13 year old girl this week. Most weeks really, if I’m honest. I’ve just switched up my journaling routine from morning to night. Holy Shit! It’s like another world. Night time journaling has opened up some portal into my dream world where a lot of serious action is taking place. This week (in my waking hours) I spent some time trying to decide if AA is still my path. I sit in those meetings some days and laugh at how weird it all is. Not that I am opposed to doing weird shit. I do plenty of it. The topic of quality vs quantity comes up from time to time in meetings. I live in an area where most of the population is retired. In the sober community, that means I am in meetings with people much older than me with a lot more sober time than me. And yet some of them are still so miserable. Miserable could be a stretch, but there are a lot of them who still haven’t figured out how to be happy, joyous and FREE. They have quantity, but are clearly lacking quality. I am not lacking in quality. After 5 years I am still not comfortable sitting in a meeting and sharing openly. It’s something I rarely do. Maybe if I got past that I would feel a shift in my attitude. I don’t know. There are lots of people I love in AA, but the meetings, not so much. And I wonder…….. AA was a great place for me to get sober. The 12 steps were a beautiful launch pad out into a much bigger spiritual world. But does it still belong in my life? My AA friends will say it absolutely does belong in my life, and perhaps I just need to switch my meetings up. This week as I was rolling that around in my head, NOT going to meetings and night time journaling about it my dreams came at me. Alcoholics have “drinking dreams.” I am not sure if people who don’t have a problem with alcohol have those or not, but I am guessing not. I dreamed that I sent my husband to the store to buy me a bottle of bourbon. He asked if a pint would do and of course, it would not. I would need at least a fifth. In real life a half gallon would have been called for, but anything can happen in the dream world. He then asked why I was still going to those meetings if I am still drinking. I wasn’t exactly sure why. I just knew it was what I do. He asked me if I planned to pick up a white chip. A white chip means surrendering and choosing to live a sober life. The start of the journey. Basically, a white chip would mean I had to start over at day one. I don’t do white chips. I was always one to bedazzle mine. Another story for another time. Dream me said a big Fuck NO to him about picking up a white chip because although I was drinking, I wasn’t getting drunk. In my mind, there was no reason to pick up a white chip. I can rationalize anything, Even in my dreams. Drinking dreams suck. I know this one came from all of my recent questioning. These questions aren’t really new to me. I have spent the better part of a year wondering if I I want to continue going to meetings. I don’t have to figure it out today and chances are, I’ll be drinking coffee with old men at least one day this week. Maybe that is the solution. The real movement and processing that’s happened in my dream world this week has been in the form of my little sister. Who doesn’t exist. But she exists in my dreams and I KNOW that she is me. Little me. All thanks to going back and taking another stab at inner child healing. And night time journaling. I tend to go hard at Inner child healing (like I go hard at everything I do) but when I touch on something painful, I stop. After seeing the group that’s working through this process in my studio, I decided to take another crack at it. I love watching the women in the group connect and grow. I can SEE how much this group is helping them heal. I also know that the group in the studio wasn’t the time or place for me. But, I definitely see the value in it and KNOW it’s something I want to keep at. I bought the book they are using and I enlisted a far away friend to work through the book with me. We connect weekly and discuss. I have my therapist to help me process what comes up and she has hers. (Although hers sucks and she needs a new one) I know it’s going to take us a little longer to get through the book, but it seems safe and comfortable to me and my inner child. She needs that. I won’t be blogging about those dreams, but they are powerful. Powerful and private. THAT is what it’s like to pay attention to my inner child. I’m learning to listen to her more and more. When I use that term inner child, I know there are tons of them, pieces of me that I haven’t connected to yet. But I’m getting closer every day. Yesterday I taught my 8 am class how to chant “fuuuuuuck.” It might have been my greatest teaching moment ever. Pretty sure that was my inner 15 year old Rebel girl. I know her well. 😂

Allow

December 30, 20181 Comment

In 2018 I chose the word “learn” as my one word mantra. This has been my year to learn on so many levels. With all of that learning came a lot of leveling up. This was my year of cacao, kirtan and dancing. Opening my heart more, connecting to something greater than myself and being FREE. This was my year of the inner child. Listening to her and helping her feel safe. This was my writing year. So. Much. Writing. A year of finding my voice. A work in progress, but I have made giant leaps. This has been a year of healing old wounds. An ongoing process I am sure. This is the year I learned that I am an artist simply because I allow the creator to create through me. I am always creating. This was my year of connection and community. I have a full understanding of how important community really is. This is the year I learned to truly get out of my own way and stop doubting myself all the time. My year of listening to my intuition which doesn’t seem to steer me wrong. This is the year I allowed myself to show up and be seen in my ALL of it. This has been a powerful year full of learning and lessons simply because I was paying attention. A year of soul growth. The year my faith grew by leaps and bounds. A beautiful year. A difficult year. This is the year of learning to love some people from afar. Boundaries. Something I am still learning about. Most of my big learning moments are right here on this blog and I can see the growth this year brought. Writing has connected me to some amazing people this year who have reached out to me as they began their own “journey to wholeness.” A testament to how powerful our stories are. People are seeking connection and community. I love to watch people grow. I suspect a lot of you love to witness my growth. People are mostly good I think. Sometimes I think my world isn’t actually reality because it’s so magical and full of so many loving and supportive people. Healers of all kinds and spiritual seekers. People who always strive to be the best version of themselves. But it IS my reality and I have worked hard to build that reality for myself. Also, I am deserving of all the blessings that flow my way. I’m not sure I believed that on this day last year, and it is still kind of hard to say out loud, but I believe it. What’s even more special is that I get to share so much with so many. That’s the true gift. My heart is overflowing with gratitude this morning. I will be carrying all the lessons, all the growth and all the gratitude with me into the new year. And I will build on that. New Years is my favorite! I thought long and hard about what my one word would be for 2019. Last week as I was making vision boards with a friend, it became crystal clear to me that my word is “Allow.” Not in a passive or weak way, but as a spiritual practice. There’s not a thing wrong with having a vision, but what I know is that when I ALLOW the creator to create through me, anything I want to manifest, create or experience will show up in my life as it is meant to. I allow things to happen without having to control and manipulate people and situations. When I can do this, the Universe always delivers something more amazing than I could have planned. 2019 is going to rock. 💥

The Work is Never Done

December 16, 2018December 16, 20182 Comments

When you are on a “journey to wholeness” the work is never done. (Here. Listen.) That doesn’t mean that I always want to do the work. Because, honestly, some days and weeks or months, I don’t want to. So I don’t. I am rolling into the third week of mentioning repressed memories that just came back to me and I still haven’t done anything about them. My therapist really wants me to write about them to help me process them and move on, but who wants to do that? Not me. Not lately. Plus, I’m a busy person with a life to live, a business to run and a family to take care of. She suggested to me that I am scared to sit down and do it. It would be great if I just used my time with her to do it, but I can’t. I freeze and nothing comes out. That leaves little to work with. And if I don’t do the work on my own, it doesn’t get done. But I’m busy, remember? Also, I really don’t want to. Yesterday, I received a text from a friend. Or, as I like to call it, a loud and clear message from the Universe.

How funny is that? I am surrounded by so many amazing people and I just need to remember that I am never alone in my struggle. None of us are. It sure feels like we are when we are going through some shit, but I have learned that if I open my mouth and speak up, I will find someone who says “Me too.” Always. I live in this world where it’s usually easy for people to open up and share their struggles with me because I am so open about mine. On the internet. If you know me in real life, “I’m fine.” I am always OK. It was only last night while I was journaling that I realized this. I always throw up the I’m fine wall. It’s probably not a secret to those who know me and my therapist will probably laugh that I am just figuring this out. I’m OK when I know I’m not but I don’t take the time to identify what I am feeling. I wrote myself a little “Notice That” with an asterisk in my journal. I guess that comes from a lifetime of numbing myself out. Whew. Always learning. The work is never done. But, now that I have this new information, I can work with it. One would think with ALL the meditation and yoga and “noticing that” I do in my life ALL DAY, EVERY DAY that I would be an expert by now. But, it seems, “notice that” is as far as I have ever gone. Not “identify that.” Identify that could be a game changer for me. I tell my therapist all the time that I may be slow, but I am oh so thorough! And really, what’s the hurry? As far as I can tell, this is a lifetime path. I can be healed and still healing. Someone once left a comment on my blog that I am a “Soul Detective” and that was my favorite thing ever. If it was you, you should tell me so I can hug you. 😊 I am still my favorite project but you should know that if you are on this path, and lean on me for guidance and support, chances are you are my other favorite “project.” I root for you and want to see you win. Complete strangers root for me and it’s the coolest thing ever. Sometimes those strangers become my friends. Have you ever talked to or hung out with someone you know nothing about but knows everything about you? I have and I do often and it’s weird as fuck. At the same time it’s completely liberating to have nothing to hide. Boom. This is me. And you’re still here. It’s our humanness that connects us all. Our “not having it all figured out.” Our “still learning and still growing.” Our struggle really is our strength and when we share that we open the door for powerful connections. And suddenly I am no longer afraid to sit with my deep dark shit and sort it out on paper. I know someone will come hold my hand or just sit with me if I need that. I also know that I know how to take care of ME and that I will feel so much better once it’s done. I’m not saying it will get done today, because I’m busy. Remember? 😂 But I’ll do it. And then I’ll burn that shit.

All the Feels

December 2, 2018December 2, 20182 Comments

I am in that weird space of having a million things to write about and yet nothing comes up for me. My thoughts are scattered here there and everywhere. The “problem” is that more and more people are reading my blog and I get in my head about it. Am I oversharing? Will my readers like this? The truth that I need to remember is that this blog is for me. It’s a great tool to look back and see how things are unfolding for me. So here I go.

Yesterday was such a weird day for me emotionally. I joked about everyone crying in yoga, and maybe they needed that, but it was me who I was really talking about. I was on the verge of tears all day. But they didn’t come. I have written about repressed memories coming up for me in the past. And I processed those the best way I could. I really figured that was it and I was done with that. Life is great. Things are flowing my way effortlessly and easily. I AM connected and divinely guided. So when more shit from my past pops up, it knocks the wind out of me. Last week I sat on my therapist’s couch with my journal of “all the amazing things” that are going on in my life. The amazing things are always the things I want to talk about. When our time was almost up, I blurted out “want to do the therapy now?” And of course she did, because that’s her job. I told her that I have had more memories of childhood sexual abuse surfacing. When she asked me if I could talk about it, I just looked at her and said nothing. We both chuckled a little and she told me that “was an invitation.” My response to her was that I obviously couldn’t talk about it. Because nothing was coming out. So weird because I do trust this woman so much. I have spent some time on this and perhaps it’s the office and the couch that get me. Like “white coat syndrome.” Maybe I should ask her to sit on the floor with me. I bet she would. She’s cool like that. Since I wouldn’t or couldn’t talk about the memories with her, she offered up some suggestions as to what I could do to move through it. Dance it out, write it out, yoga it out. The things she knows I am comfortable with. The first time, back in the spring, when she suggested “dance it out” I thought she was nuts. And now, well, we all know how that ended. What I was looking for was a definitive answer about why this is happening again and when will it end. The why is simple. She’s explained it before, but she explained it again. Because I am strong and healthy and have all the support in the world. And because I have everything I need to look at these things when they come up and then let them go. The when will it end isn’t as simple. I read everything I could find about this subject, but there are no concrete answers. Unfortunately we live in a world where this is fairly common. I reached out to a friend who I am able to be completely open with and talked to her about it. She has her own experience with this exact thing. Which is what I needed more than anything. Someone who has been where I am. Someone with personal experience. This is what I gathered from our conversation. Something in my present moment experience triggered these memories. They are there to teach me something. And I guess as the healthy adult that I am, it’s not really a big deal. But, it feels like a big deal to me when it happens. Talking to my friend helped more than anything. She told me there really is no specific end date. No magic time. Healing is a lifetime process. More than anything, just knowing that I am not alone in this experience was helpful. The specifics aren’t important and I don’t need to share with everyone or maybe even anyone. My plan is simply to honor the path that got me to where I am today. I keep telling myself to write it down and burn it. A ritual. I love ritual. Not that I have done it yet, but it’s coming. The gift in this is that it never crosses my mind to hide from it. It never crosses my mind to numb myself. What I have done is take 1,000 baths. Maybe I am subconsciously trying to crawl back into the womb. Whatever. It feels good and it soothes me. The bathtub is where I spent all of my free time when I first got sober. It’s still a go to when I am emotionally triggered. And honestly, I have been super sensitive lately. OR, maybe I AM super sensitive and I have been allowing myself to experience that. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am human. A human with ALL THE FEELS who doesn’t have everything figured out and probably never will. The good news is that I am surrounded by healers and sensitive souls who will hold my hand when I need that. The reality is that I really do have everything I need already available to me and I can handle whatever comes my way. So I lean in to the uncomfortable until it passes because I know for sure and certain that joy is waiting for me on the other side. I AM a warrior.

Sober Yogi

My journey to wholeness

Tag: Practice