When you are on a “journey to wholeness” the work is never done. (Here. Listen.) That doesn’t mean that I always want to do the work. Because, honestly, some days and weeks or months, I don’t want to. So I don’t. I am rolling into the third week of mentioning repressed memories that just came back to me and I still haven’t done anything about them. My therapist really wants me to write about them to help me process them and move on, but who wants to do that? Not me. Not lately. Plus, I’m a busy person with a life to live, a business to run and a family to take care of. She suggested to me that I am scared to sit down and do it. It would be great if I just used my time with her to do it, but I can’t. I freeze and nothing comes out. That leaves little to work with. And if I don’t do the work on my own, it doesn’t get done. But I’m busy, remember? Also, I really don’t want to. Yesterday, I received a text from a friend. Or, as I like to call it, a loud and clear message from the Universe.
How funny is that? I am surrounded by so many amazing people and I just need to remember that I am never alone in my struggle. None of us are. It sure feels like we are when we are going through some shit, but I have learned that if I open my mouth and speak up, I will find someone who says “Me too.” Always. I live in this world where it’s usually easy for people to open up and share their struggles with me because I am so open about mine. On the internet. If you know me in real life, “I’m fine.” I am always OK. It was only last night while I was journaling that I realized this. I always throw up the I’m fine wall. It’s probably not a secret to those who know me and my therapist will probably laugh that I am just figuring this out. I’m OK when I know I’m not but I don’t take the time to identify what I am feeling. I wrote myself a little “Notice That” with an asterisk in my journal. I guess that comes from a lifetime of numbing myself out. Whew. Always learning. The work is never done. But, now that I have this new information, I can work with it. One would think with ALL the meditation and yoga and “noticing that” I do in my life ALL DAY, EVERY DAY that I would be an expert by now. But, it seems, “notice that” is as far as I have ever gone. Not “identify that.” Identify that could be a game changer for me. I tell my therapist all the time that I may be slow, but I am oh so thorough! And really, what’s the hurry? As far as I can tell, this is a lifetime path. I can be healed and still healing. Someone once left a comment on my blog that I am a “Soul Detective” and that was my favorite thing ever. If it was you, you should tell me so I can hug you. 😊 I am still my favorite project but you should know that if you are on this path, and lean on me for guidance and support, chances are you are my other favorite “project.” I root for you and want to see you win. Complete strangers root for me and it’s the coolest thing ever. Sometimes those strangers become my friends. Have you ever talked to or hung out with someone you know nothing about but knows everything about you? I have and I do often and it’s weird as fuck. At the same time it’s completely liberating to have nothing to hide. Boom. This is me. And you’re still here. It’s our humanness that connects us all. Our “not having it all figured out.” Our “still learning and still growing.” Our struggle really is our strength and when we share that we open the door for powerful connections. And suddenly I am no longer afraid to sit with my deep dark shit and sort it out on paper. I know someone will come hold my hand or just sit with me if I need that. I also know that I know how to take care of ME and that I will feel so much better once it’s done. I’m not saying it will get done today, because I’m busy. Remember? 😂 But I’ll do it. And then I’ll burn that shit.