This week I went to see a healer. There’s a shocker. I went to see our island witch. I was expecting some time on her table while she worked her woo woo energy magic on me. What I got was a guided visualization/meditation, a lot of talking and working through my shit. Not what I wanted, but exactly what I needed. Isn’t that how it always works? In that “getting what I need” what I got was a visit from my inner 3 year old. At least I think she was three. I didn’t even mention it during the session because it didn’t seem relevant. During the guided visualization I was asked to find a pedestal to sit on. A pedestal of my choice and my design. I tend to go with a giant mushroom because it has an Alice in Wonderland feel to it and Alice is a bad ass. I was completely safe and comfortable on this pedestal. Then she brought in a storm. A tornado began to swirl around me. A storm of chaos if you will. I was safe in the center of this tornado and nothing could reach me. I was asked to just notice what was swirling around me. I don’t remember exactly what I saw, but when it was over, this sweet little girl came to me. “To me” might not be exactly right, but she was THERE. I could see her. I remember exactly what she was wearing and exactly what she looked like. She was happy. She was beautiful. She was probably the MOST relevant thing that happened during that session, so my choice not to mention it during session means something. I’m just not sure what. Perhaps I felt the need to protect her by not talking about her. As much as I share with the world, some things are just for ME. And some things are just for me until I am ready to share. It was suggested to me that I go home and write. Writing is my process. All of my healers know this about me. Guess what I wrote after that session? Not a fucking thing. The next day I saw my therapist and shared this information about that little 3 year old with her. She smiled and said “She’s getting closer.” I’ve been doing this inner child work for a while now without a lot of success. And as I type that, I’m not entirely sure that’s true because what would success look like? My therapist said that little 3 year old is the part of me that is joyful and playful and impulsive. I prefer the word spontaneous because I think impulsive gets me in trouble. At least it used to. But, that’s neither here nor there. “She’s getting closer.” I am still trying to figure out exactly what that means. Is she going to talk to me? Does she have things to tell me? What does she want? My therapist kind of, sort of pointed out (by having me figure out on my own) that this little girl was me at the age I was right before my sexual abuse started. And dear God that session rolled all over the place from that to my drug addiction to the guilt and shame I still carry and back around. When our time was up she suggested that I go home and write and write and write some more and guess what I wrote? Not a fucking thing. After that session, with the full moon vibes in effect, I went straight to my studio to DANCE. Because that is what I needed. I needed to be in my body. I needed to connect and I needed to move. I am not sure what my aversion to writing has been this week, but it’s been strong. I’m inclined to think that strictly because someone (2 someones) suggested I write, I automatically didn’t. THAT would be the inner 15 year old that I know all too well. Even without writing, I have had amazing insights this week. I have been in 4 different women’s circles in the last 7 days. Always a great place for me to be. In one of these circles there was a woman who was surprised to learn that my “dancing career” is just three months old. In her mind, I had been dancing for a lifetime, since it’s THE thing she sees me share about most. During our conversation it occurred to me that dancing IS the joyful, playful and spontaneous part of me coming out. And just maybe this is what’s bringing that little 3 year old closer to me. In fact, I’m sure it must be. Dancing has brought about a shift in me that allows me to let my guard down in a way nothing else does. I fully intend to keep at it and bring that little girl home.
There was one circle this week that I had absolutely no intention of going to. It was the same day as my therapy session and I was just done. But there I was. Exactly where I needed to be. The discussion took a turn toward the Patriachal society that we live in and there was (or more likely I felt) an attack towards the women who “allow” this type of behavior by “being whores.” I felt the need to jump in and defend these women. Which I did. My immediate thoughts and my response was that those women were once children who weren’t allowed to say no. Who weren’t allowed to be in control of their own bodies. I know those women. Those women were me. And then it happened. Another woman felt the need to defend “those women.” She opened her mouth and my story fell out. A story of being sexually abused from a young age and learning that’s what love feels like. A woman who was taught from a young age that this kind of attention is good attention. A woman who didn’t know that she didn’t have to give her power away or that she even had the option to live another way. A woman who thought her worth was based on her body. She had never been allowed to say no. It was so powerful, and as I sat there listening to her share exactly what I have never said out loud, all I could do was cry silently on the inside and touch my heart as I nodded my head at her, so she could see and know that I felt her pain. It was so incredible to see her own the ALL of her “story” and give a voice to her own inner child who was never allowed that voice. Equally incredible was the love and support she received from the circle. Nobody shamed her. Everyone witnessed and held her with compassion. Our stories, when shared, have the power to heal. I never doubt that. She reminded me of just how much truth there is in that. I told her that night that I wanted to write about her, without using her name. I asked her permission and made sure she felt ok about it. She responded by saying that I always write about her, I just didn’t know it. Again, blown away by the power of our stories and the connections we all share. I write to heal my own self and in doing so sometimes I help others along the way. The best.
In September I was in a circle with this same woman. That night we ended the circle with a little bit of dancing. She stood in that circle and said she would absolutely NOT be doing that. She even told us she might sway her hips a bit, but that would be the extent of it. A week later she showed up at the studio for ecstatic dance. She pushed past that fear and she has been dancing ever since. Four separate events in just over a month. I am pretty sure it’s her new favorite thing too! What I know is that she has connected to her inner child through dancing. That’s exactly why she loves it so much. Another shared connection with this woman. What a gift she has been to me this week. She has helped me sort out and make sense of some of my own shit. She’s a mirror. A teacher. I am grateful for her strength, her courage and her presence in my life.