And then it happened! I made a Covid 19 memory bigger than toilet paper! And there was dancing! And my heart was full! Yesterday I hosted a social distanced parking lot dance party. Most of you saw the pics on my FB page. I am sure there are people who didn’t approve, and that’s ok. I wasn’t looking for approval. I was looking for connection. Friday was a hard day. Some days are. I’ve had plenty of down days lately. I know we all have. Friday was my worst. I woke up that morning and went downstairs to my fortress of solitude. I sat on my cushion to meditate, but instead I cried. I cried a lot. A thing to know about me is that I am not a crier. But I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t stop it. I’m sure it was necessary and I get that crying is good. I love when my students cry in yoga, and I love when the women in my circles cry. I’m just not the one to do it. I was THIS close to jumping on the blog and writing through it, but that seemed like a stupid option. So instead, I stayed stuck in it. And I cried. I haven’t cried like that since September 9th 2018. I can’t remember why I cried, but I remember that it started at home and continued during the yoga class I went to that morning. I was hosting a teacher from Florida in the studio and I was in her class, bawling my eyes out the entire time. Pretty impressive that I have a timeline, right?
This is where I stop to tell on myself. Because I live my life on social media and share so much from my heart, I was guessing there must be something posted that day to give me a clue as to what that was all about. I had to make the connection back to the date that teacher was here. A quick search pointed out the date and down the rabbit hole of my activities log for September 2018 and BOOM. Here it is. Of course I was crying. Also, I was probably due for another good cry on Friday. 2018 was a LONG time ago. I should cry more. You know, if I was down to play that “should” game. I did have a big crying episode on January 1st during sunrise meditation on the beach. I bawled my eyes out and even pointed it out to my friend who also doesn’t cry. I was proud of it and wanted to share it with her. But, that was all gratitude and full heart stuff. Quite different. But sooooooo good. For the record, I am down to cry gratitude tears any time.
The unhappy cry is the crying I have an aversion to. Back to Friday where I cried for the first time in a L O N G time. I think every emotion I have experienced over the past 6 weeks caught up to me. It was a tough day. After the tears came the anger. I’m not exactly sure why I was angry, but I suspect it’s easier for me to be angry than it is for me to be sad or fearful or fully feel all the grief that we are collectively feeling. And by I suspect, I mean that’s definitely it. This afternoon I talked with a friend on the phone who spun her woo woo therapist magic on that situation. She pointed out that my inner “kid” likes to get angry and rebel against…….well, she rebels against all kinds of things, but she definitely doesn’t like to cry. So she gets angry. I knew that being angry around my family for no “real” reason wasn’t going to be helpful, so I stayed in my fortress of solitude. My husband came down to check on me. He NEVER comes into my fortress. Ever. He asked if I wanted to walk to the beach with him. We live 15 streets away from the beach and while it’s totally doable, I didn’t want to do it. I’m not much of a beach walker anyway. I’m more of a sitter. My husband isn’t a beach walker either nor is he the kind of guy that wants to walk 15 streets because it’s good for his health. Bless him. He wanted to fix me because all of my emotions made him uncomfortable. He just wanted me to be ok. Because he loves me. I eventually got past the anger and settled into a nice, comfortable funk. I stayed there the rest of the day. Ice cream and music in the bathtub that evening helped, but more than that, sleeping and waking up to a new day was the real trick. Saturday was the first time I have seen real people outside of my home, not counting the grocery store, in six weeks. I know I’m not alone in this and that we are ALL right there. I know that for me and the women who either showed up to dance in their own (appropriately spaced out) circle, or just sit in their car and watch, it was so uplifting. Dancing for me is ALL about connecting to that inner child. That girl needed to let loose and have fun. Saturday was the soulgasm I needed to carry me through another 14 day week. Who knew quarantine days were gonna be 48 hours long? I’m really looking forward to the day that quarantine and Covid 19 doesn’t come up in my thoughts, in my blog and in every fucking conversation I have. Today is not that day. Tomorrow is not going to be that day. This is where we are. Doing the best we can. Adapting and overcoming. I had an amazing 10 am writing group Zoom meeting with fabulous women today. I’m happy to be writing again. For now. Even if it’s just a bunch of rambling. It feels good for me to connect in this way. Last week quite a few new readers found my blog. The toilet paper blog. People who have never read my blog somehow stumbled onto that one. I need you to read that again, slowly, in my southern accent. People who have never read my blog somehow stumbled onto that one. What the hell? I was almost embarrassed. Almost, but not quite. I was dealing with too many other emotions to be bothered with embarrassment. This week is gonna be smooth sailing. I can feel it. Until it’s not. LOL