I keep sitting down to write and then deciding that I don’t want to share my feelings with the world. I have been in protection mode lately. Protecting my heart. I am ready today. These past couple of weeks have been so full of growth for me. I spent a weekend at a women’s retreat. I had been looking forward to this retreat for months. I was the first person to register when tickets went on sale. I was so excited about the whole experience. It began on Friday evening with a cacao ceremony and Qoya. How could that not be fabulous? And it was. One of my favorite friends was there with me for the weekend and she experienced these two things for the first time. I loved being there to share that with her. A Qoya class has 13 pillars. One of them is dancing with your shadow aspect. Embracing rather than repressing our humanness. I found myself triggered in this piece and had a difficult time integrating my light back in. We left the studio at 9:15 that night and went to the Airbnb we rented for the weekend. I was up until almost 11. One would think that’s no big deal, but one would be wrong. I woke up Saturday morning already tired before we started our day with a 7:30 am yoga class. I don’t function well when I’m tired. I’m like a 5 year when it comes to sleep (and food). I was irritated and I began to close off and shut down. My intention for the weekend had been to remain open and be a part of. I was so looking forward to being a part of rather than leading. I was there, I was in it, but I was resisting every thing about the weekend. Partly because I wasn’t in control. Maybe fully because I wasn’t in control. I found myself being judgemental toward myself and toward the whole experience. The things I normally love, I had an aversion to. So. Fucking. Weird. But at the same time, the experience was beautiful and just what I needed. How much sense does that make? The entire weekend I was acutely aware of my shadow aspect. The fear, the judgement, the insecurity, the anger the need to control and my lack of trust. All of it showed up and stayed with me. I showed up and stayed with all of it. I lived and I learned and I met a bunch of amazing women. I processed the experience for a week. It’s a sacred act to sit in circle with women you don’t know and be open and real and vulnerable. I see women do this in my circles all the time and they are my heroes. I thought I was ready and I would be WIDE open, but that’s not how my weekend went. I was disappointed in myself. It’s still difficult for me allow myself to be seen and heard. I was in my comfort zone of a circle of women, but out of my comfort zone by not being in charge. It’s a control and trust thing that I obviously need to work on. And I will. Possibly forever. That was two weeks ago. This week the growth is still coming. I went to therapy (for the last time?) on Wednesday. My therapist let me know that if I was going to keep coming into her office, she needed to feel as though she was being of service to me. And she no longer does. What this means is that I am making good choices, I’m processing my own shit, I have no super secret life on the side and I am SO FUCKING GROWN. I got kicked out of the nest. It happened so fast. I think we both knew it was time, but she is better at assertive and saying what needs to be said than I am. So she said it. And I rolled with it because I trust her. But, I was super sad when I left her office and scared that now something horrible is going to pop up that I can’t handle and there I’ll be, alone in the world. We ALL know this isn’t true, and I’m not alone, but it’s how I felt. Now that I have had a few days to sit with that, I’m OK. I’m learning more about my need to cling and how it doesn’t serve me. More space has been created in my life and the good things will flow in and fill that gap. I do not doubt that at all. Now I wait. Patiently. Without clinging. Remember that time I choose the word ALLOW for my “One Word?” I’m putting that into practice on so many levels.
Ahhhhhhhh! I am out of the weird ass moon energy and back on top. Where I like to be. One might think that after two years of living in sync with the moon cycles, tuning into them and paying attention, I wouldn’t be so surprised or knocked on my ass by a big super moon eclipse. One would be wrong about that. Because whoa. I know I wasn’t alone in that. I heard it at my moon circle from other women. I saw people freaking out on social media. I felt it in my soul. Lost. Lonely. Off. How fortunate that I have so many practices to keep me “sane,” and so many friends to keep me grounded. When I remember to lean on those supports. I’m out of my bathtub now and living in the big world again. It feels great. When I wrote my Sunday blog, I said that my week had been uneventful. That wasn’t entirely true. Last week a 7 year relationship with a very dear friend switched gears. I would say we are finished being friends, but that is a bit extreme. Our roles in each other’s lives have changed dramatically and I’ll be way less involved with this person and vice versa. It sucked and made me sad during an already (overly) emotional time. After years of knowing this needed to happen, my heart and my head were finally in alignment at the same time. The moon??? After a long conversation with my friend, the letting go happened. Just like that. It needed to happen so my soul can grow in other directions. This doesn’t make it hurt less. I know that “when we let go of the things that no longer serve us, we create space in our lives for that which inspires us.” We create space for growth and joy and life. I know this. I teach this. Somehow, I’ve been forgetting to live this. For years…..That letting go left me feeling more lonely and more lost….but I sat with it. I sat with not feeling centered and not feeling OK. I sat with lonely and lost. I set an intention for the feelings of Calm Abiding to wash over me and hold me. Taking it back to basics and knowing that this is the soil I need to be rooted in so I can grow. I’m growing. On Monday afternoon I connected with a friend in Wilmington. We hadn’t seen each other in a year or more. She and I did yoga teacher training together. Anyone who knows that life knows it’s a true bonding experience. We had lunch and talked about our teacher training experience, among other things. Life things. I mentioned that I might want to write my own Yoga Alliance program and become “a school” to lead teacher trainings. As it happens, my friend has done that and IS able to lead teacher trainings. She said she wasn’t feeling quite ready to do it on her own. We briefly discussed the possibility of doing it together but made no plan. We finished lunch and headed out. On my hour long drive home, I let the thought roll around in my head. I pictured what it would look like and how it would feel to lead a teacher training with her. By the time I got home I KNEW. I knew it would be intense. I knew it would be a learning experience. I knew it would be fun. Guess who loves intense? Guess who loves to learn? Guess who loves fun? This girl does! All the details will be available soon as we are just starting to put our heads together. I can tell you that it’s coming in April. A 3 1/2 week immersion. Yoga for Inner Peace. It is in complete alignment with who I am and what I teach. Our special focus will be “Nurturing the Inner Self.” A beautiful co-creation. I am so excited! Once again, I am amazed at how quickly the Universe responds when I get out of my own way. I AM connected and divinely guided.
We are well into Janauary and this is my first blog. I think I’m hiding from the world. In my bathtub. I have been avoiding the process of sitting down to write out of fear of sounding like a whiny baby. But whatever. I have been in a weird space since 2019 started. I know I won’t stay stuck in it, but I have also learned to honor my now and allow myself to be where I am. I’ll tell you where I am. Lonely. I am in a perpetual state of loneliness. Not sad. Not depressed. Just lonely. I’m surrounded by a tribe of amazing people in all of my communities from home and outward into the real world as well as the virtual world. It would seem lonely isn’t something I “should” ever feel. See those quotations around “should?” That’s because I do know should is a bullshit word and my feelings are valid. So there’s that. It seems the more connected I am, the more alone I feel. My brain knows that I am NOT alone. My heart is learning that not all of my relationships are real. I am a sensitive soul and lately my feelings are getting hurt left and right. I’m not exactly sure what that’s about, but I suspect it has a lot to do with actually paying attention to my feelings. That’s therapy working. As of late it’s becoming clear to me that some people want to be around me because they think I can do something for them. Add to their status or popularity. And it hurts my feelings. That seems childish as I read it, but I’m also someone who is learning to tune in and pay attention to my inner child. Again, valid. It’s not such a big deal when it comes from someone I don’t know that well, but when it comes from someone I love, it sucks. What hurts worse is when someone who IS my friend and I know loves me blindsides me with a passive aggressive comment about my happy life. I imagine that happens to everyone? Jealousy? Envy? Those words are hard to say and sound harsh, but I can’t find any other words that seem right. Yesterday I saw my favorite Woo Woo Witch Healer and she informed me that it hurts because it’s opening an old wound that hasn’t fully healed. The wound of being used? Or jealous people? I’ll have to dive into my journal on that one, but I have no doubt she’s right. I learned from trauma informed yoga training that “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” If something is triggering us today, it is coming from our past. It seems I will never run out of “work” to do on myself. Soul Detective work. I have put a lot of energy into building a loving and supportive community for myself. In the early days I called this Team Shannon. I still have my team. I have come full circle in that area and now I get to be on other people’s teams. Cheering them on and supporting them. I find that to be meaningful “work.” I love to see others succeed. Seems everyone doesn’t feel that same way. Lately the word “discernment” has been appearing in my life on repeat. This is the lesson I am getting hit with hard this January. Learning how to discern my circle. I have never been that person who needs everyone to like me. In fact, I have been the opposite. Quite content to push people away. That’s the exact reason I don’t have many friends from my childhood or even my life pre-sobriety. I never learned how to build healthy relationships. Sobriety has given me that gift. Sobriety and a spiritual path. I don’t need everyone’s love and friendship. I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. I’m just trying to figure out who gets to sit at my table. I also know that when I am feeling lonely, it’s the time I most need to be alone. The Divine is present within me and I am NEVER alone. And there it is. There’s my aha moment right there. THAT is the connection I am seeking. Funny how putting my thoughts down in a blog can bring me clarity that a journal can’t always bring me to. Beautiful. And now I’ll just be over here, practicing discernment, connecting with a power greater than myself and finding my way.
In 2018 I chose the word “learn” as my one word mantra. This has been my year to learn on so many levels. With all of that learning came a lot of leveling up. This was my year of cacao, kirtan and dancing. Opening my heart more, connecting to something greater than myself and being FREE. This was my year of the inner child. Listening to her and helping her feel safe. This was my writing year. So. Much. Writing. A year of finding my voice. A work in progress, but I have made giant leaps. This has been a year of healing old wounds. An ongoing process I am sure. This is the year I learned that I am an artist simply because I allow the creator to create through me. I am always creating. This was my year of connection and community. I have a full understanding of how important community really is. This is the year I learned to truly get out of my own way and stop doubting myself all the time. My year of listening to my intuition which doesn’t seem to steer me wrong. This is the year I allowed myself to show up and be seen in my ALL of it. This has been a powerful year full of learning and lessons simply because I was paying attention. A year of soul growth. The year my faith grew by leaps and bounds. A beautiful year. A difficult year. This is the year of learning to love some people from afar. Boundaries. Something I am still learning about. Most of my big learning moments are right here on this blog and I can see the growth this year brought. Writing has connected me to some amazing people this year who have reached out to me as they began their own “journey to wholeness.” A testament to how powerful our stories are. People are seeking connection and community. I love to watch people grow. I suspect a lot of you love to witness my growth. People are mostly good I think. Sometimes I think my world isn’t actually reality because it’s so magical and full of so many loving and supportive people. Healers of all kinds and spiritual seekers. People who always strive to be the best version of themselves. But it IS my reality and I have worked hard to build that reality for myself. Also, I am deserving of all the blessings that flow my way. I’m not sure I believed that on this day last year, and it is still kind of hard to say out loud, but I believe it. What’s even more special is that I get to share so much with so many. That’s the true gift. My heart is overflowing with gratitude this morning. I will be carrying all the lessons, all the growth and all the gratitude with me into the new year. And I will build on that. New Years is my favorite! I thought long and hard about what my one word would be for 2019. Last week as I was making vision boards with a friend, it became crystal clear to me that my word is “Allow.” Not in a passive or weak way, but as a spiritual practice. There’s not a thing wrong with having a vision, but what I know is that when I ALLOW the creator to create through me, anything I want to manifest, create or experience will show up in my life as it is meant to. I allow things to happen without having to control and manipulate people and situations. When I can do this, the Universe always delivers something more amazing than I could have planned. 2019 is going to rock. 💥
I am not here to write about trauma today. Yay! I am not here to talk about being sober even though that’s always an amazing topic. I am here today to share what feels like some serious healing. Three nights ago I dreamed I was getting ready to teach a writing workshop. I was in a giant building that was obviously NOT my studio. There were tons of people there. There was a little kitchen where I went and made myself a cup of coffee. In the kitchen there was a small child. A tiny toddler who was probably 18 months old. She was dancing and she was beautiful. I walked over to her and put my hands out to her. She took my hands in her tiny hands and let me dance with her. She was looking up at me with the biggest smile on her face. After a few minutes of dancing, I reached down and scooped her up in my arms. She snuggled into me. She loved me. She was beautiful. She had blonde curls and blue eyes. I loved this child even though I had no idea who she was. I carried her around for a while because I just didn’t want to put her down. She fell asleep in my arms. I couldn’t stop looking at her and I wasn’t about to put her down. By this point in the dream, half the people who were there for the workshop I was teaching had left and the other half were restless because I was so late getting to it. But I didn’t care. The only thing that was important to me was this child. I went into the room and taught the workshop as best I could without putting the toddler down. She slept in my arms the entire time. I’m sure the quality of the workshop suffered, but I didn’t care. I’ve learned that dreams have messages for me and while this one is super obvious, it took me a few hours after I woke up to understand that she was ME. It wasn’t until I told a friend about the dream that I understood. Saying it out loud helped me make the connection. It felt a lot like some serious healing and it brought tears to my eyes, which doesn’t happen for me often. She was me and I loved her so much. I could feel that love in my dream and when I woke up I still felt it. Powerful. My therapist refers to “the inner child” as that part of us that is untouched and unharmed by outside influences. The part of us that is pure joy. That’s exactly who this child was and exactly what I felt while I was holding her. Pure love. The exact same love that I feel when I am with my own children. I am certain it’s the dancing that’s bringing her out. We danced together in the dream. I *think* I am getting ready to go a bit deeper into that journey of healing my inner child, but I know that it’s all the play time that connects me to her. Get ready world because I am about to take a trip to Michael’s and get crafty! My child wants to create for some reason and I am going to let her! Should be interesting since I am the least “artistic” person I know. But, if you know me, you already know that I will put everything I have into it. I will be the craftiest person EVER! LOL Get ready to see some shitty art on the internet and tell me it’s beautiful anyway! 😊
When you are on a “journey to wholeness” the work is never done. (Here. Listen.) That doesn’t mean that I always want to do the work. Because, honestly, some days and weeks or months, I don’t want to. So I don’t. I am rolling into the third week of mentioning repressed memories that just came back to me and I still haven’t done anything about them. My therapist really wants me to write about them to help me process them and move on, but who wants to do that? Not me. Not lately. Plus, I’m a busy person with a life to live, a business to run and a family to take care of. She suggested to me that I am scared to sit down and do it. It would be great if I just used my time with her to do it, but I can’t. I freeze and nothing comes out. That leaves little to work with. And if I don’t do the work on my own, it doesn’t get done. But I’m busy, remember? Also, I really don’t want to. Yesterday, I received a text from a friend. Or, as I like to call it, a loud and clear message from the Universe.
How funny is that? I am surrounded by so many amazing people and I just need to remember that I am never alone in my struggle. None of us are. It sure feels like we are when we are going through some shit, but I have learned that if I open my mouth and speak up, I will find someone who says “Me too.” Always. I live in this world where it’s usually easy for people to open up and share their struggles with me because I am so open about mine. On the internet. If you know me in real life, “I’m fine.” I am always OK. It was only last night while I was journaling that I realized this. I always throw up the I’m fine wall. It’s probably not a secret to those who know me and my therapist will probably laugh that I am just figuring this out. I’m OK when I know I’m not but I don’t take the time to identify what I am feeling. I wrote myself a little “Notice That” with an asterisk in my journal. I guess that comes from a lifetime of numbing myself out. Whew. Always learning. The work is never done. But, now that I have this new information, I can work with it. One would think with ALL the meditation and yoga and “noticing that” I do in my life ALL DAY, EVERY DAY that I would be an expert by now. But, it seems, “notice that” is as far as I have ever gone. Not “identify that.” Identify that could be a game changer for me. I tell my therapist all the time that I may be slow, but I am oh so thorough! And really, what’s the hurry? As far as I can tell, this is a lifetime path. I can be healed and still healing. Someone once left a comment on my blog that I am a “Soul Detective” and that was my favorite thing ever. If it was you, you should tell me so I can hug you. 😊 I am still my favorite project but you should know that if you are on this path, and lean on me for guidance and support, chances are you are my other favorite “project.” I root for you and want to see you win. Complete strangers root for me and it’s the coolest thing ever. Sometimes those strangers become my friends. Have you ever talked to or hung out with someone you know nothing about but knows everything about you? I have and I do often and it’s weird as fuck. At the same time it’s completely liberating to have nothing to hide. Boom. This is me. And you’re still here. It’s our humanness that connects us all. Our “not having it all figured out.” Our “still learning and still growing.” Our struggle really is our strength and when we share that we open the door for powerful connections. And suddenly I am no longer afraid to sit with my deep dark shit and sort it out on paper. I know someone will come hold my hand or just sit with me if I need that. I also know that I know how to take care of ME and that I will feel so much better once it’s done. I’m not saying it will get done today, because I’m busy. Remember? 😂 But I’ll do it. And then I’ll burn that shit.
It’s funny how when I am going through a rough patch I am sure it’s going to last forever. I know in my head that it won’t last forever, but my heart and my body feel stuck and trapped. I was in that place last Sunday and by Monday morning, I was a completely different human. Fascinating how that happens. I give dancing all the credit. Last Sunday I wrote about repressed memories that have been resurfacing for me and all the ways I was going to let them go. And I did none of those things. No writing. No burning. But, I did do a lot of dancing and that made all the difference in the world. I got a tattoo in January that says “Learn.” Learn is my “mantra” word for 2018 and let me tell ya…….I have learned SOOOOOO MUCH. I joked when I got the tattoo that it was the short form of “what the fuck am I supposed to learn from this?” I think the lesson for me in 2017, is that there’s really nothing I can’t handle. Every time new pieces of my past have been revealed to me this year, I have came back to that tattoo and just thought Wow. I am really learning. I look at that tattoo and giggle. Not unlike that time I got “Calm” tattooed on my wrist and the Universe gave me Opportunities to practice being calm. Maybe my tattoos are like a vision board. On my skin. I saw my energy healing, shaman, witch/healer this week and she told me that I was a warrior in a past life. 7,000 years ago. She also told me that I have carried that energy over through lifetimes upon lifetimes. How cool is that? I left there feeling incredibly empowered. Now, Every time my husband asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I just remind him that I am tired from being a warrior for 7,000 years. That’s the greatest information ever! And it brings me right back to “There’s nothing I can’t handle.” And all that shit I wrote about last week doesn’t even seem like a big deal today. Today I want to write about some awesomeness. I made a vision board a few months ago. I’m bad about making vision boards and then sticking them in a closet. A vision board is supposed to be out where it can be seen. I made the vision board with a friend. It was more about introducing the concept to her than it was to actually creating my own vision. BUT, as I pulled that vision board out of the closet and inspected it, I see that almost everything on the board is coming into my life already. On this board I am playing more. I am connected to my inner child. She is hiking in the woods. She is dancing. On this board I am leading a retreat. A large retreat and I am positive I am leading people in dance at this retreat.
Now, here’s the “super secret” that I haven’t publicly announced. Two of my Kirtan singing friends have asked me to co-lead a retreat with them in the spring of 2019. The retreat will be in June at the Art of Living Retreat Center in Boone, NC and I couldn’t be more excited. We will hike, we will sing, we will dance, and we will yoga! When I say I am connected and Divinely guided (and I say that a lot), I truly believe that. I am in this flow of attracting all the amazing things into my life. I am in alignment with my divine assignment and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. The official announcement will come soon, and I hope I’m “allowed” to talk about it now because I am. 😊 Leading retreats is one of my favorite things to do. I am a dreamer and a planner. I love the play factor involved in planning. I took a step back from it in 2018 because I wanted to use that time to learn. I will never stop learning. It’s time to lead again.
Here’s a little secret. My husband doesn’t read my blog. Not regularly anyway. And I don’t offer it up to him for some odd reason. Probably because he’s the one who knows me best and sees me every single day. He doesn’t give a shit about how popular I am on the internet. He sees the real me. Every day. Not just the best photos and the edited words. He gets the unedited version. He’s not on FaceBook and he hates social media. But, he did recently get an instagram account, which I was quick to give him shit about. Because Instagram is social media. Now I feel like I have to censor my Instagram posts a bit. Like he’s there to babysit. Not that that’s necessarily true, but I do get asked who certain followers are. And since it’s social media, I typically have no idea. He assures me his life would be easier if I was ugly. I encouraged him to get the Instagram account because he used to ask me to post pics for him on my page. I like to keep my page looking a “certain way” which doesn’t include pictures of the fish he caught that day. Now he has an Instagram and it’s cute and hilarious that he really doesn’t know how to use it. I post my blog on Instagram and use the standard “New blog post is up, link in bio” caption. He has no idea how to get to my bio or click on the link. I showed him how to do it a couple of weeks ago and he sat next to me and read my blog for what seemed like hours. He went way back…….and I could tell he was upset. I have suggested to my Mom that perhaps reading my blog isn’t the thing she needs to do. I am thinking maybe he shouldn’t have read it either. It hurt him to go back and relive some of it. I know he also felt slighted because he never saw his name in any of my posts. I totally understood that too. I frequently speak about my therapists, past and present. I write about my “tribe of women” who support me. I don’t write about my family. There are a few reasons for this. The first reason is that believe it or not, I do keep parts of my life private. My family is the MOST important thing in my life. I feel like they have their own stories and they aren’t my stories to tell. But here I am. Talking about my family. My husband anyway. The truth is, I hated him for a few years before I got sober. He was the enemy in my mind. He was one of the firsts to point out that I had a problem with alcohol. I could fool a lot of people, but he wasn’t one of them. I hated him for that. He was the person always taking my keys, my wallet and my liquor away. But he wasn’t sober. In fact, we drank a together A LOT. So why was I the one with “the problem?” Maybe because I was the one who blacked out and did stupid things? Here’s the reality. My husband is 15 years older than me. He rescued me when my marriage to my second husband fell apart. I didn’t know how to be alone but I also knew I didn’t need to involve myself in a relationship. I found a man who lived far, far away that would come visit me when I wanted him to but didn’t live close enough to roll up at my house anytime and get too comfortable. Because I DID NOT want to be in a relationship. 6 months later I moved to North Carolina with my two children to be with him. That happened so fast. I had a pretty good handle on my drinking at that time. I was a “functioning alcoholic.” Two years later I got pregnant. I stopped drinking while I was pregnant and nursing (or at least didn’t nurse when I was drinking). When our sweet Jackson turned two, I weened him (yes, I nursed him for two years). It was at this point that my raging alcoholism kicked up several notches. I’m not really sure why. Other than the fact that once I started drinking, I couldn’t stop, which IS the very thing that makes me an alcoholic. I drank every day. At 5:00. Until the day I discovered that I could drink during the day because I was grown. That was a game changer. That’s when the blackouts started coming. The insane behavior and really bad choices started happening more and more frequently. My husband spent a lot of time on the phone with my family and friends “telling on me.” I hated him for it. Today I know he was looking for guidance and support, but that’s not what it felt like at the time. I would have preferred it if he had gone to a support group rather than bring all of our friends and family into our mess, but he’s not that guy and it wasn’t my choice. He spent a lot of time on the phone with my therapist too. She suggested hospitalization for me. I hated her for that. I hated a lot of people for a lot of things. All things that I was responsible for. He took drunk me to an AA meeting once and asked “those people” what he should do. He just wanted someone to fix me. He was watching the woman he loved, the mother of his children, kill herself. My oldest two children lost their biological father to addiction. My husband has raised them since they were tiny and he IS their Dad. I think he hated me as much as I hated him, but he wanted me to live. And eventually so did I. He supported my recovery by giving up alcohol. It wasn’t a struggle for him and if sobriety was going to work for me, he knew he had to make some changes too. I had every intention of getting sober and leaving him because he was a controlling asshole. But then a funny thing happened. Not overnight, because that’s never how things work for me. But, as I began the process of getting sober, along with gaining some emotion regulation skills and a tiny bit of sanity, he began to seem like less of an asshole. Not because he changed, but because I changed. Not gonna lie, all of the changes freaked him out too. I’m not sure either of us knew who sober me would be. All of the new things I was doing seemed weird to him. They were weird to me too, but also things I needed to do. Meditation. Yoga. Meetings. I caused a LOT of damage to our relationship. Damage that isn’t a secret to our friends and family. Things that I had to own and walk through. But, he hung in there and walked through them with me. He hung in there because he knew I was worth it. He saw my worth when I didn’t. And sometimes he’s still an asshole. But he’s my asshole. He’s no longer freaked out by the weird things I do and pretty much expects me to come in the door beaming about the new “weird thing” I am currently in love with. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but whose is? I’m still trying to figure out what we have in common. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot. But, he makes me laugh and he’s pretty damn cute. So there’s that. He’s a safe place for me. He makes me feel secure. He gives me the space I need to grow. He has his life and I have mine and they are very different. But, we come together every day and share our “seperate lives.” Every now and then we even do things together. Like a real couple. One day, I’ll even go fishing with him. What I am not going to do, is put this blog in his hand. He can find it on the internet like everyone else. Sometimes, I’m an asshole too. 😊