In 2018 I chose the word “learn” as my one word mantra. This has been my year to learn on so many levels. With all of that learning came a lot of leveling up. This was my year of cacao, kirtan and dancing. Opening my heart more, connecting to something greater than myself and being FREE. This was my year of the inner child. Listening to her and helping her feel safe. This was my writing year. So. Much. Writing. A year of finding my voice. A work in progress, but I have made giant leaps. This has been a year of healing old wounds. An ongoing process I am sure. This is the year I learned that I am an artist simply because I allow the creator to create through me. I am always creating. This was my year of connection and community. I have a full understanding of how important community really is. This is the year I learned to truly get out of my own way and stop doubting myself all the time. My year of listening to my intuition which doesn’t seem to steer me wrong. This is the year I allowed myself to show up and be seen in my ALL of it. This has been a powerful year full of learning and lessons simply because I was paying attention. A year of soul growth. The year my faith grew by leaps and bounds. A beautiful year. A difficult year. This is the year of learning to love some people from afar. Boundaries. Something I am still learning about. Most of my big learning moments are right here on this blog and I can see the growth this year brought. Writing has connected me to some amazing people this year who have reached out to me as they began their own “journey to wholeness.” A testament to how powerful our stories are. People are seeking connection and community. I love to watch people grow. I suspect a lot of you love to witness my growth. People are mostly good I think. Sometimes I think my world isn’t actually reality because it’s so magical and full of so many loving and supportive people. Healers of all kinds and spiritual seekers. People who always strive to be the best version of themselves. But it IS my reality and I have worked hard to build that reality for myself. Also, I am deserving of all the blessings that flow my way. I’m not sure I believed that on this day last year, and it is still kind of hard to say out loud, but I believe it. What’s even more special is that I get to share so much with so many. That’s the true gift. My heart is overflowing with gratitude this morning. I will be carrying all the lessons, all the growth and all the gratitude with me into the new year. And I will build on that. New Years is my favorite! I thought long and hard about what my one word would be for 2019. Last week as I was making vision boards with a friend, it became crystal clear to me that my word is “Allow.” Not in a passive or weak way, but as a spiritual practice. There’s not a thing wrong with having a vision, but what I know is that when I ALLOW the creator to create through me, anything I want to manifest, create or experience will show up in my life as it is meant to. I allow things to happen without having to control and manipulate people and situations. When I can do this, the Universe always delivers something more amazing than I could have planned. 2019 is going to rock. 💥
I am not here to write about trauma today. Yay! I am not here to talk about being sober even though that’s always an amazing topic. I am here today to share what feels like some serious healing. Three nights ago I dreamed I was getting ready to teach a writing workshop. I was in a giant building that was obviously NOT my studio. There were tons of people there. There was a little kitchen where I went and made myself a cup of coffee. In the kitchen there was a small child. A tiny toddler who was probably 18 months old. She was dancing and she was beautiful. I walked over to her and put my hands out to her. She took my hands in her tiny hands and let me dance with her. She was looking up at me with the biggest smile on her face. After a few minutes of dancing, I reached down and scooped her up in my arms. She snuggled into me. She loved me. She was beautiful. She had blonde curls and blue eyes. I loved this child even though I had no idea who she was. I carried her around for a while because I just didn’t want to put her down. She fell asleep in my arms. I couldn’t stop looking at her and I wasn’t about to put her down. By this point in the dream, half the people who were there for the workshop I was teaching had left and the other half were restless because I was so late getting to it. But I didn’t care. The only thing that was important to me was this child. I went into the room and taught the workshop as best I could without putting the toddler down. She slept in my arms the entire time. I’m sure the quality of the workshop suffered, but I didn’t care. I’ve learned that dreams have messages for me and while this one is super obvious, it took me a few hours after I woke up to understand that she was ME. It wasn’t until I told a friend about the dream that I understood. Saying it out loud helped me make the connection. It felt a lot like some serious healing and it brought tears to my eyes, which doesn’t happen for me often. She was me and I loved her so much. I could feel that love in my dream and when I woke up I still felt it. Powerful. My therapist refers to “the inner child” as that part of us that is untouched and unharmed by outside influences. The part of us that is pure joy. That’s exactly who this child was and exactly what I felt while I was holding her. Pure love. The exact same love that I feel when I am with my own children. I am certain it’s the dancing that’s bringing her out. We danced together in the dream. I *think* I am getting ready to go a bit deeper into that journey of healing my inner child, but I know that it’s all the play time that connects me to her. Get ready world because I am about to take a trip to Michael’s and get crafty! My child wants to create for some reason and I am going to let her! Should be interesting since I am the least “artistic” person I know. But, if you know me, you already know that I will put everything I have into it. I will be the craftiest person EVER! LOL Get ready to see some shitty art on the internet and tell me it’s beautiful anyway! 😊
When you are on a “journey to wholeness” the work is never done. (Here. Listen.) That doesn’t mean that I always want to do the work. Because, honestly, some days and weeks or months, I don’t want to. So I don’t. I am rolling into the third week of mentioning repressed memories that just came back to me and I still haven’t done anything about them. My therapist really wants me to write about them to help me process them and move on, but who wants to do that? Not me. Not lately. Plus, I’m a busy person with a life to live, a business to run and a family to take care of. She suggested to me that I am scared to sit down and do it. It would be great if I just used my time with her to do it, but I can’t. I freeze and nothing comes out. That leaves little to work with. And if I don’t do the work on my own, it doesn’t get done. But I’m busy, remember? Also, I really don’t want to. Yesterday, I received a text from a friend. Or, as I like to call it, a loud and clear message from the Universe.
How funny is that? I am surrounded by so many amazing people and I just need to remember that I am never alone in my struggle. None of us are. It sure feels like we are when we are going through some shit, but I have learned that if I open my mouth and speak up, I will find someone who says “Me too.” Always. I live in this world where it’s usually easy for people to open up and share their struggles with me because I am so open about mine. On the internet. If you know me in real life, “I’m fine.” I am always OK. It was only last night while I was journaling that I realized this. I always throw up the I’m fine wall. It’s probably not a secret to those who know me and my therapist will probably laugh that I am just figuring this out. I’m OK when I know I’m not but I don’t take the time to identify what I am feeling. I wrote myself a little “Notice That” with an asterisk in my journal. I guess that comes from a lifetime of numbing myself out. Whew. Always learning. The work is never done. But, now that I have this new information, I can work with it. One would think with ALL the meditation and yoga and “noticing that” I do in my life ALL DAY, EVERY DAY that I would be an expert by now. But, it seems, “notice that” is as far as I have ever gone. Not “identify that.” Identify that could be a game changer for me. I tell my therapist all the time that I may be slow, but I am oh so thorough! And really, what’s the hurry? As far as I can tell, this is a lifetime path. I can be healed and still healing. Someone once left a comment on my blog that I am a “Soul Detective” and that was my favorite thing ever. If it was you, you should tell me so I can hug you. 😊 I am still my favorite project but you should know that if you are on this path, and lean on me for guidance and support, chances are you are my other favorite “project.” I root for you and want to see you win. Complete strangers root for me and it’s the coolest thing ever. Sometimes those strangers become my friends. Have you ever talked to or hung out with someone you know nothing about but knows everything about you? I have and I do often and it’s weird as fuck. At the same time it’s completely liberating to have nothing to hide. Boom. This is me. And you’re still here. It’s our humanness that connects us all. Our “not having it all figured out.” Our “still learning and still growing.” Our struggle really is our strength and when we share that we open the door for powerful connections. And suddenly I am no longer afraid to sit with my deep dark shit and sort it out on paper. I know someone will come hold my hand or just sit with me if I need that. I also know that I know how to take care of ME and that I will feel so much better once it’s done. I’m not saying it will get done today, because I’m busy. Remember? 😂 But I’ll do it. And then I’ll burn that shit.
It’s funny how when I am going through a rough patch I am sure it’s going to last forever. I know in my head that it won’t last forever, but my heart and my body feel stuck and trapped. I was in that place last Sunday and by Monday morning, I was a completely different human. Fascinating how that happens. I give dancing all the credit. Last Sunday I wrote about repressed memories that have been resurfacing for me and all the ways I was going to let them go. And I did none of those things. No writing. No burning. But, I did do a lot of dancing and that made all the difference in the world. I got a tattoo in January that says “Learn.” Learn is my “mantra” word for 2018 and let me tell ya…….I have learned SOOOOOO MUCH. I joked when I got the tattoo that it was the short form of “what the fuck am I supposed to learn from this?” I think the lesson for me in 2017, is that there’s really nothing I can’t handle. Every time new pieces of my past have been revealed to me this year, I have came back to that tattoo and just thought Wow. I am really learning. I look at that tattoo and giggle. Not unlike that time I got “Calm” tattooed on my wrist and the Universe gave me Opportunities to practice being calm. Maybe my tattoos are like a vision board. On my skin. I saw my energy healing, shaman, witch/healer this week and she told me that I was a warrior in a past life. 7,000 years ago. She also told me that I have carried that energy over through lifetimes upon lifetimes. How cool is that? I left there feeling incredibly empowered. Now, Every time my husband asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I just remind him that I am tired from being a warrior for 7,000 years. That’s the greatest information ever! And it brings me right back to “There’s nothing I can’t handle.” And all that shit I wrote about last week doesn’t even seem like a big deal today. Today I want to write about some awesomeness. I made a vision board a few months ago. I’m bad about making vision boards and then sticking them in a closet. A vision board is supposed to be out where it can be seen. I made the vision board with a friend. It was more about introducing the concept to her than it was to actually creating my own vision. BUT, as I pulled that vision board out of the closet and inspected it, I see that almost everything on the board is coming into my life already. On this board I am playing more. I am connected to my inner child. She is hiking in the woods. She is dancing. On this board I am leading a retreat. A large retreat and I am positive I am leading people in dance at this retreat.
Now, here’s the “super secret” that I haven’t publicly announced. Two of my Kirtan singing friends have asked me to co-lead a retreat with them in the spring of 2019. The retreat will be in June at the Art of Living Retreat Center in Boone, NC and I couldn’t be more excited. We will hike, we will sing, we will dance, and we will yoga! When I say I am connected and Divinely guided (and I say that a lot), I truly believe that. I am in this flow of attracting all the amazing things into my life. I am in alignment with my divine assignment and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. The official announcement will come soon, and I hope I’m “allowed” to talk about it now because I am. 😊 Leading retreats is one of my favorite things to do. I am a dreamer and a planner. I love the play factor involved in planning. I took a step back from it in 2018 because I wanted to use that time to learn. I will never stop learning. It’s time to lead again.