Looking Back

There’s nothing like peeking back through old journals to realize how far you’ve come. Once upon a time this was me, giving myself a little affirmation pep talk. IMG_5570 4 1/2 years ago that was the best I had. I find this hilarious today, although at the time it was serious business. Knowing that “I am ok” was enough. Knowing that “things could be worse” was good enough for me. It’s amazing to me how day by day we don’t notice how we are growing and changing, but then we see a reminder of who we used to be and WOW! When did that happen? It sure as Hell didn’t happen overnight. I became the queen of affirmations in a treatment center. I plastered my walls and mirrors with post it notes of affirmations. Not that I believed them, but they were nice to read. I wrote affirmations for the other women in the center too. They loved it and would seek me out every morning so I could give them a new one for the day. It gave us something positive to focus on and made us all feel a little better. For me it was the beginning of learning to love myself. Today I am a bad ass spiritual gangster who breathes love and light into the world and radiates peace and serenity. See?! I’m so much better at the way I speak to myself today. Because I practice. I have learned to speak to myself like I speak to other people I love. I have compassion for myself and when I make a mistake, which I often do, I forgive myself and move on. I don’t berate myself or get stuck coming down on myself. That’s not helpful and it causes more harm.
And while I’m here talking about growth, and sharing old journal entries, here’s this little gem. A few of my followers and friends will totally get this. This one is from an old Therapy workbook. IMG_5573.JPG
Another thing I didn’t understand before I got sober was emotions. I think I had a good idea of what anger was. I was fortunate enough to land my ass in a Dialectical Behavior Therapy group to help me figure my emotions out. It was like Kindergarten for the emotionally unstable alcoholic I was. I sat in this group looking around at the people at the table and judging them because they had real problems. Unlike me. Who was sitting at the same table. Not at all unlike the way I sat in AA meetings judging “those people.” 😂 Life is funny. Growth is beautiful. I don’t even recognize that girl today but I remember her. I much prefer the woman I know and love today.

4 Years ❤️

I couldn’t let this day pass without telling the world that today I have been sober for FOUR YEARS. That’s 1,462 days of feeling all the feels without numbing myself out. Four years of healing. Four years of growing emotionally and spiritually. Four years of making (mostly) good choices. Four years that have been beautiful because I have been awake and completely present. I love this day more than my actual birthday because this day four years ago is the day I chose to live. I didn’t just wake up on this day four years ago and stop drinking. That would have been great. Getting sober was a process for me. A long process. I know some people who actually do wake up one day, make that decision and get sober. That’s not my story. I couldn’t imagine my life without alcohol. Everyone I knew drank A LOT. It really didn’t seem to me like I should be the only one getting sober. I knew I would never have fun again. I was sure of that. I had been bouncing in and out of treatment centers, ER’s, medical detox facilities and even the ha ha hospitals. It was a long, miserable road for me and my family. On this day four years ago I woke up in a treatment center and I knew it was the day they were going to stop giving me pills to help me detox. It was the day I was going to have to be in my skin. I did the only thing I knew how to do. I sat. I sat for what was the most uncomfortable two minute meditation. And I didn’t die! The next day I sat a little longer. And every day after that. It was my go to when my emotions were too strong for me to manage. That, a ton of meetings, all the yoga and an awesome AA sponsor who I texted every 3 minutes so she could reassure me that I was ok. Those first 8 months were the hardest for me. I thought about drinking daily. Something shifted during that eighth month and the desire to drink practically left me. Sobriety, AA, meditation and yoga have given me a strong foundation. I have learned to love myself. Believe me that was a process too. I still work at it. Some days it’s easier than others. My life is so beautiful today. My relationships are healthy. I have so many loving and supportive friends in my life. Today I woke up at a yoga retreat in the mountains that I was invited to lead. I drove home to my beautiful family and then I taught a yoga class in MY yoga studio. All of these things are gifts of living sober one day at a time. That is never lost on me. My heart is FULL of gratitude tonight. ❤️IMG_5290.jpg

The Promises

845C1CFA-90B2-4FA8-96E5-11F18FD21D3C.jpeg“We will be amazed before we are halfway through.” Anyone who has ever been to a 12 step meeting has heard this read aloud as well as the rest of the 9th step promises. I can honestly say, as I sit here tonight, reflecting on where I’ve been and where I’m going, these promises keep running through my head. I am still in awe of the love and support I feel from every direction. My family. My friends. My community. It’s mind blowing really. November is such a special month for me. I got sober in November 4 years ago. I remember how hopeless and alone I felt sitting in that treatment center detoxing. Again. I had no idea how quickly my life would turn around by making one empowered choice after another. It’s called “doing the next right thing” in the recovery community. Doing the next right thing one day at a time has lead me here. To this day. To this new chapter. I am anything but hopeless and alone today. I am connected and divinely guided. ❤️