When I am Open, I am Able to Receive.

January 27, 2018February 3, 2018Leave a comment

When I am open, I am able to receive. I can hear the message intended for me from anywhere and anyone. IF I am open. This week I heard the message loud and clear. Last weekend. I was at a Y12SR training which was being led by an amazing woman named Nikki Myers. I love so many things about this woman, but mostly I love that she walks her talk. She is so real and relatable. She threw out the term “Namaste Mother Fucker” which, as you can imagine, I freaking loved. She went on to talk about what “Namaste Mother Fucker” means. It’s looking for the light, the Namaste, the God in every mother fucker that comes across her path. Every shitty person and every shitty situation as well as the good ones. All of it. Look for the Namaste. I loved that so much. Fast forward to yesterday, I walked into my therapist’s office and got comfortable on her couch. I suspect she was having a difficult morning, or maybe a difficult week since this was Friday. The window and the wall of her office were jacked up because someone had crashed their car into it. The first words out of her mouth to me where how she has decided that her job is to look for God in every person she sees and every situation she’s in. My jaw dropped a little, because damn! Damn! That was the second time I had heard that this week. From two completely different people. Boom! Thank you Universe. I hear your message loud and clear. Synchronicity, it’s the language of the Universe. Some people call these God Winks, or coincidences. I don’t care what you call it, if I am paying attention, and open, I receive. During that hour, the amount of work I do on myself, for myself, “might” have came up. And it “might” have been brought to my attention that maybe I don’t have to do all that “work” on myself because I am already perfect as I am. In God’s eyes. I usually have such an aversion to the Christian speak, but yesterday, it didn’t bother me in the least. It felt right. When I am open, I am able to receive. The message was one I needed to hear. One of my favorite quotes from the Zen Buddhist Monk Shunryu Suzuki Roshi is this. “You’re perfect just as you are…and you could use a little improvement.” Maybe there’s a happy balance there. Maybe I don’t have to constantly “work” on myself. Maybe shit comes up and I handle it as it presents itself. Maybe I don’t have to look for it. Whew! What a concept! And maybe, just maybe, while I am busy finding God in everyone, I should start with myself. Because I am already perfect. I am already whole. I forgive myself for not knowing that sooner. ❤️

Healing

December 20, 2017February 2, 20182 Comments

I took myself on a two hour date Saturday night. In my fortress of solitude. There was sacred cacao, candles, meditation, chanting, yoga and dancing. I capped it off with some time in my journal. This is self care for me. I am all for manicures and massages and highly recommend them, however, sometimes (often) I need a big dose of self care on a soul level. On Sunday morning I took myself to “yoga church.” Yoga church recenters me and connects me to myself like nothing else. It reminds me of where I’ve been and where I am going. My body was so open during my practice. I’m sure it helped that the heat was on, but more than anything the time I spent with myself on Saturday showed up in my practice. I felt strong, centered and so open. I can measure what’s going on inside of me emotionally by what my body does physically on the mat. I had a tough time in therapy last week and I wrote about it. Sharing helps me to heal. It helps me move through the process. This week I went in fully prepared to be the best at EMDR again. Only this time there was no EMDR. I actually did my “homework” and we had more than enough to work with. I’ve heard in AA meetings that the real work doesn’t start until we are 5 years sober. I’m obviously an advanced student because at 4 years in, this is feeling like the real work. My mood has been a little “off” since last week, but it’s ok. I’m learning to dig into the darkness and then leave it so as not to stay stuck in it. My therapist assured me that I’m strong enough to stay stuck in it for a bit. In case I was doubting myself. Which I do. The one thing I don’t doubt is that I will be ok. In fact, I am sure that the work I’m doing now will make me stronger, healthier and happier. Eventually. First it’s going to piss me off and make me sad. I found this parable in a book I’m reading. As per usual, the message was right on time.

A Parable:

The Prisoner In The Dark Cave

“There once was a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch dark cave. The cave was 100 yards by 100 yards. He was told that there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.

After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take his blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first 30 days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about 18 feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a faint light up above, but no light came into the cave.

As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was 5’9”, and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least 10 feet high..

So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before the food ran out. But as he had already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was 9 ½ feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.

One day just as he thought he could touch the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.

The opening was the opening to a tunnel which led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have had to do was crawl about 200 feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the opening of light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkness. Liberation was there all the time right next to the mound he was building, but it was in the darkness.”

And there it is. So powerful. And right as we approach the winter solstice. The darkest night of the year. The work I’m doing isn’t easy, but I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. I’ve found a good guide on the path and I have an amazing tribe of loving and supportive people who have my back through the process. I am a warrior. ❤️ 83A47216-A6A8-4EFE-A661-A623121DC58D

EMDR Therapy

December 15, 201715 Comments

I recently started therapy again with a new to me therapist. I have been hesitant to mention this on social media, but I’m not really sure why. I openly share my story of recovery and this step is part of that process. Never have I ever gone into therapy when I wasn’t in the middle of a crisis. Until this time. I am a strong, sober, emotionally stable woman. And yet I still struggle with a few things. I’m sure that’s natural. Especially for someone “like me.” My new to me therapist thinks it might be time to heal some past trauma. A lot of what she calls trauma, I just call normal shit that happens when you are an addict or an alcoholic. A lot of what she calls trauma is actually real, unhealed trauma. She suggested we go the EMDR route. I don’t know if any of you are familiar with EMDR, but a quick google search will fill you in and save me the trouble of posting a link. I have this desire to be the very best EMDR patient EVER, get through it quickly and heal completely. All in record time. However, this isn’t the way it’s going. In fact, I would say I suck at it. My therapist earned my complete respect today when I completely shut down (again) and wouldn’t/couldn’t share with her. I learned a lot about her while I wasn’t talking. I learned that she is patient and kind and willing to walk me through this process that is painful and not nearly as simple as I was hoping it would be. She’s also a bit of a hard ass which is good for me because I need someone who will push me. Gently. I am strong today and ready to do the hard work. I say that as I sit here writing this blog instead of writing in my journal actually doing the hard work. And this makes me laugh. I do know for sure and certain that the one thing that always helps me is sharing with the world. Even when it makes me feel vulnerable and scared. There’s always that one reader who sends me a “me too” message. That helps the most.
Today in therapy we talked about shame and forgiveness, and really, who the fuck wants to talk about those two? Not me. Not today. So I closed completely, feeling FULL of shame and not ready for forgiveness. I left there having accomplished very little. I stopped by the Buddhist temple on my way home for a few minutes of quiet time with the giant, green Buddha. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. And I have missed it. The monk noticed me and was kind enough to point out that I haven’t been there in a while. I told him I would be back on Sunday. Now I pretty much have to go back on Sunday. This also makes me laugh. All are welcome to join me Sunday! After the temple I went to the studio to teach my 4 o’clock class. We began our practice by pulling an oracle card. I got the forgiveness card. Of course. Thank you Universe. I hear your message loud and clear. I am not sure exactly who I am supposed to forgive, but I suspect the list is long and difficult. I have done the acceptance work. I guess forgiveness isn’t necessarily the same thing. So here I go. Diving in. Attempting to stay open. Doing the work. I have no doubt it’s going to be hard before it gets easy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are days that I want to pluck my eyeballs out. My hope is that I won’t. Wish me luck.

4 Years ❤️

November 14, 2017November 14, 20173 Comments

I couldn’t let this day pass without telling the world that today I have been sober for FOUR YEARS. That’s 1,462 days of feeling all the feels without numbing myself out. Four years of healing. Four years of growing emotionally and spiritually. Four years of making (mostly) good choices. Four years that have been beautiful because I have been awake and completely present. I love this day more than my actual birthday because this day four years ago is the day I chose to live. I didn’t just wake up on this day four years ago and stop drinking. That would have been great. Getting sober was a process for me. A long process. I know some people who actually do wake up one day, make that decision and get sober. That’s not my story. I couldn’t imagine my life without alcohol. Everyone I knew drank A LOT. It really didn’t seem to me like I should be the only one getting sober. I knew I would never have fun again. I was sure of that. I had been bouncing in and out of treatment centers, ER’s, medical detox facilities and even the ha ha hospitals. It was a long, miserable road for me and my family. On this day four years ago I woke up in a treatment center and I knew it was the day they were going to stop giving me pills to help me detox. It was the day I was going to have to be in my skin. I did the only thing I knew how to do. I sat. I sat for what was the most uncomfortable two minute meditation. And I didn’t die! The next day I sat a little longer. And every day after that. It was my go to when my emotions were too strong for me to manage. That, a ton of meetings, all the yoga and an awesome AA sponsor who I texted every 3 minutes so she could reassure me that I was ok. Those first 8 months were the hardest for me. I thought about drinking daily. Something shifted during that eighth month and the desire to drink practically left me. Sobriety, AA, meditation and yoga have given me a strong foundation. I have learned to love myself. Believe me that was a process too. I still work at it. Some days it’s easier than others. My life is so beautiful today. My relationships are healthy. I have so many loving and supportive friends in my life. Today I woke up at a yoga retreat in the mountains that I was invited to lead. I drove home to my beautiful family and then I taught a yoga class in MY yoga studio. All of these things are gifts of living sober one day at a time. That is never lost on me. My heart is FULL of gratitude tonight. ❤️

The Promises

November 6, 2017February 3, 2018Leave a comment

“We will be amazed before we are halfway through.” Anyone who has ever been to a 12 step meeting has heard this read aloud as well as the rest of the 9th step promises. I can honestly say, as I sit here tonight, reflecting on where I’ve been and where I’m going, these promises keep running through my head. I am still in awe of the love and support I feel from every direction. My family. My friends. My community. It’s mind blowing really. November is such a special month for me. I got sober in November 4 years ago. I remember how hopeless and alone I felt sitting in that treatment center detoxing. Again. I had no idea how quickly my life would turn around by making one empowered choice after another. It’s called “doing the next right thing” in the recovery community. Doing the next right thing one day at a time has lead me here. To this day. To this new chapter. I am anything but hopeless and alone today. I am connected and divinely guided. ❤️

1,400 Days

September 13, 20177 Comments

1,400 days of choosing me. 1,400 days of waking up and making the choice to live fully present. 1,400 days of making the choice to grow spiritually and emotionally. I choose me every day in every way. When I sit down on my meditation cushion. When I step onto my yoga mat. When I go to one of “those meetings.” When I eat foods that nourish my body. When I rest because I’m tired. When I let myself experience whatever I’m experiencing without numbing myself, I choose me. I heard early on in my recovery that “eventually we stop wanting what’s bad for us and start to crave what’s good for us.” I held on to that for a long time hoping it was true. It didn’t happen overnight, but eventually, magically I think, it began to happen for me. I no longer feel like I’m missing out when I see people doing the things that I choose not to do. Believe me, it is definitely a choice. I’m not missing out on the blackouts, relationship problems, hangovers or any of that other “fun stuff” by choosing me. Recovery has given me the most precious gifts of all. Self respect and love for myself. The real kind of love. The kind of love that says it’s ok if you aren’t perfect. I love you as you are. The kind of love that says get your ass up out of bed and get on your yoga mat because it makes you feel good! The kind of love that says you are being an asshole and you need to take a nap. Real love. The kind of love that says it’s ok if the only thing you did right today was breathe. 1,400 days of learning what that real love is. 1,400 days of making one empowered choice after another. 1,400 days of choosing me. ❤️

Mornings with the Universe

August 12, 2017August 13, 2017Leave a comment

Someone recently asked me about my morning routine. I have a practice rather than a routine. I practice every day. My morning practice is one of the ways I show up for myself. I call it Mornings with the Universe. Sobriety has taught me to love and care for myself on all levels. My mind, my body and my spirit. I start each day the same way. I wake up, take a few deep, conscious breaths and say thank you to the Universe. Then I get on my meditation cushion and sit silently for 20 minutes. Always. It’s the way of easing into my day and into the world that works best for me. My mind isn’t yet racing with all of the things I need to do and I am able to connect with something higher than my ego self. I love mornings. That is my standard “routine.” Some days, that’s all I have time for before I have to get started with life. On days like today, I can take my time. Some mornings I need movement and I step onto my yoga mat. Some mornings I need stillness and I spend time journaling. It’s all about tuning in to myself and honoring my needs. People often tell me they feel stuck when they try to journal. My response to that is to just do it. Don’t worry about what you write or how it looks. Write. From your heart. I love daily meditation books and try to read from one every day. Most days I do. I just picked up The Soul’s Companion by Tian Dayton and I am in love. Meditations from the Mat by Rolf Gates is one of my favorites. I feel connected to his words. He writes in a 12 step yogi way and it’s the same language I speak. It’s my life. This morning I spent my time in my books and journals. Sorting out my thoughts. I guess I needed stillness this morning. I’ve had a bit of chaos in my life this week. As we all do from occasionally. In the midst of the chaos I discovered that a 6 am bath feels pretty damn amazing. I’ll be incorporating that in from time to time when my schedule allows. Unfortunately, it won’t be a daily thing. Unless I get up at 4 am every morning. Which I won’t. Because that’s crazy. My morning practice sets the tone for my whole day. Occasionally my day falls apart, but as long as I have taken the time to connect and center myself, I can handle whatever comes my way. Some days I pull oracle cards and burn incense and play with my crystals. Some days I sit on my deck with a smoothie. It doesn’t matter what I do as long as I do it. I’ve had people tell me that my practice sounds like work to them. It might be, but I love working on myself because I am worth it.

1000 Sober Days

August 11, 2016August 23, 2019Leave a comment

Surrender. Bow. Give Thanks. Yoga. 💜 Today I have been living sober for 1000 days in a row. ONE. THOUSAND. DAYS. I went to bed last night remembering where I was 1000 days ago. I was in a treatment center. I had my last drink 1,005 days ago, but I medically detoxed for 5 days and since the meds made me loopy, I don’t count those days as sober days. 1,000 days ago I woke up in a treatment center for the third time in a year. Broken. Terrified. Sick. I knew it was the day I had to come off all the medication I had been on to make my detox more comfortable. I knew I had to do it or I wasn’t going to live long. Alcohol was killing me and I was letting it. I couldn’t not drink. I had heard in AA meetings that I should pray. I had no idea how to do that. I had no faith in anything. What I did have was a therapist who promised me that meditation was the medication I needed. I trusted her. She was the ONLY therapist I ever had that didn’t steer me wrong and I loved her for that. I had absolutely nothing to lose. I mustered up all the energy and courage I had and I took myself into the quietest room I could find in that place. And I sat. I sat and I tried to calm myself. I was terrified to come off my medication. I was terrified to live a life without alcohol. The thing is, it wasn’t really a choice I had. If I wanted to live it was a have to. I didn’t love myself enough to really care, but what I did have was three children who I knew needed me. They needed a healthy mom. A sober mom who could be present for them and give them all the love and attention they deserve. On that day 1,000 days ago, as I sat in meditation, I knew. I just knew that I was going to be alright. No matter what it took or how bad it sucked, I knew I was going to be alright. And guess what? I have been alright. Every. Single. Day. I have been so alright. It took a minute to figure the whole sober thing out, but with a ton of loving and supportive people to help me, I figured it out. One day at a time. AA was a great place for me to start. Because, really, where else was I going to meet sober people? People who didn’t drink liquor by the half gallon on a daily basis. People who knew the pain I was in. People who knew how scary it is to live without a crutch. But, I needed more. I needed yoga! I went to local yoga classes. I hated it. I was so uncomfortable in my skin. I hated moving in front of people, I hated being touched by the teachers and most of all I hated the tears that I seemed to cry every time I was in class. I went to AA meetings. I didn’t hate them as much as I hated yoga and meditation, but they were weird and the people were weird. I went anyway. My life started to suck less. I was told that it’s not only OK to cry in yoga, it’s perfectly acceptable. I was taught that everyone’s mind darts around in meditation. That’s why it’s called practice. I was taught that all alcoholics and addicts have to learn how to be comfortable in their skin. I wasn’t special or unique. That little voice in my head, everyone has one. The AA women explained to me that I don’t have to act on every thought that enters my head. I really wanted people to meditate with, so I started a local meditation group. These people helped me so much. They were my teachers. Older. Wiser. They taught me that nobody really gets to meditation because things are so wonderful in their lives. They were all searching when they found meditation. Searching for something better. I was still going to yoga pretty regularly and still not loving it. But, I went anyway. It gave me something “wholesome” to do during my day that distracted me from my desire to get outside of myself. What it did was put me directly inside of myself. Inside of my body. It was moving meditation! For the first time in my life I was able to be in my skin, in my body with no distraction. I learned how to breathe deeply. I learned how to let go of my thoughts. I learned how to create space in my body by letting go of the years of torture I had put my body through. I learned to invite love and light into that space. I started to grow and to thrive.

Today, my life is not at all like it was 1,000 days ago. It’s not ever perfect, but it’s perfect for me. I remember that girl from 1,000 days ago, but she’s not me. I have so many blessings in my life. So many new friends. So much love. So much to be grateful for. My entire life is set up in a way that supports my recovery. It’s a beautiful life. Thank you all for being a part of it. ❤️

Sober Yogi

My journey to wholeness

Tag: Spiritual Growth