I am a planner girl. I love my Dragontree Apothecary Rituals for Living Dreambook Planner. I love the ridiculously long name of it. I love the color of it. I love the pages. I love that it’s spiral bound. I don’t get paid to share that with you, it’s just the best planner out there. But I should get paid, because half of you are going straight to Google to see what you’ve been missing out on. I know it’s the best because every year I buy multiple planners in search of the BEST one. I get planner envy when I see a friend with a cool new planner and I have to purchase the same one. Just in case it’s better than the one I have. And the good planners aren’t cheap. I have bought them all. The Passion Planner, Erin Condren LifePlanner, Law of Attraction, The Desire Map. The list goes on. I even bought one strictly because one of the reviews claimed it was the best planner for a “grown ass woman.’ Obviously I had to have it. Because I’m a grown ass woman. I also have an old school desk calendar. One of those huge office calendars that lays flat on my desk and covers the entire surface. I also have a small, fits in the purse that I don’t carry type planner. The Dragontree Planner is by far my favorite. I like to know my schedule. Shit. I like to HAVE a schedule. I have not had a schedule since March 15th. I opened my planner last Friday and flipped through three months of blank pages and started again. Now I am writing every mundane thing that takes time in my day and space in my planner. All the things I normally just do and don’t need to be reminded of. Vacuuming. Laundry. Grocery shopping. These are not planner worthy things. But it gives the illusion of a full and productive day. And there really are no pandemic planner rules.
I flipped my desk calendar right past April and May which were never touched. But what’s the point in actually using that one. It’s my work calendar for planning events and workshops in the studio. Sure there have been things that I’ve had to do since March. Places I had to be. But no real schedule. That’s completely my own fault since there are routine things I could be doing to keep some sort of schedule, I just haven’t. I’ve let go of Zoom yoga with my teacher, although I miss him and my shala peeps terribly and think about joining every week. But it’s hard to get into yoga TV and there is usually something that stops me. Driving my oldest son to work. Sleeping. Nothing. Something. My son has his license now, so that’s not an excuse anymore. But there are other things that creep up and take precedence. Mostly, I just can’t get my heart into it. But I will. It will come back.
Last week I went to an AA meeting. The first meeting I have been to in months. It was outside. And it was lovely. I forgot that those coffee drinking old men need me. And the women too, although you never hear me mention them. I forgot that I have a lot of joy and wisdom to share and it’s much needed in that world. I forgot that I love A.A. Something else I completely forgot that might surprise you. It surprised me anyway. I love teaching yoga. When the world shut down, I was completely fine taking a break from teaching. I considered Zoom, but it is 100% not for me. So I didn’t. But when I taught that first beach class last month, it was pure joy. Not that beach yoga is ideal, not for me, but I am grateful to have the beautiful open space. I am grateful to connect with people in that way. It feeds my soul. And I am grateful to once again have things to plan. Things to write in my planner.
Since March, I have felt extremely stuck. Stagnant. My “one word” for 2020 is expansion. How fucking hilarious is that? This year has felt anything but expansive. It has felt constrictive and stuck and stagnant. I have yet to figure out exactly how I am expanding although if you asked me I would give you an answer. I would tell you all the ways my heart has expanded. I’m not really sure though. But I have faith and more will be revealed and all of that. I do believe it’s there though. I just can’t see it yet.
I stopped setting intentions. The new moons. The new weeks. The new months. They have all zipped past me without the feeling that I needed or wanted to plan, plot or intend for any kind of forward motion in my life. I’ve read more fiction in these last few months than I have read in years. I forgot that I love fiction. I’ve started to work my way through the 25 Marvel movies in order. I think my husband tricked me into that one. I let him. The superheroes are smoking hot. I’ve been content chilling at home. I love my home. But magically, with the last new moon/eclipse/summer solstice energy, I seem to have gotten my mojo back. Remember, I love it when things magically happen for me. It’s my favorite. Forward motion friends.
My fire to write has been reignited. Not that Covid extinguished it. I stopped writing nearly as soon as I started back in January. Mostly because I didn’t think I had anything to say. But I do. Maybe nobody wants to read what I have to say, but that’s not the point. I am writing again and it feels great. At least for the past week. Nine days if we are being technical. Now to stick with it for just 83 more days until it becomes a habit. No problem, right? I wish y’all could hear me laughing. Laughing because it actually is a problem to make myself get up at the same time every day and do anything these days. I talk a big game of self discipline is the highest form of self love for someone who is lacking in the self discipline area. But self acceptance is up there at the top too and I accept the fact that my priorities have shifted.
We are all learning to navigate in this new world. It’s not my favorite. I doubt that it’s anyone’s favorite. I miss sitting in circle with my soul sisters in the studio. I miss hugs. I miss having lunch with my friends. I miss practicing in the shala. I miss grocery shopping like a normal person. I miss thrift stores. That’s pretty much it. The list isn’t long. I don’t require a lot. My husband would disagree. I like being at home. I like my family. Something else I miss is the way people used to be nice to one another on social media. Those were fun times. I have such a love hate relationship with social media. Facebook in particular. Social media has been a powerful and positive force in my life. It’s connected me to so many amazing people. It’s helped my recovery, it’s helped me build a business, it lets me see what my family who are all far away are up to. But my God. People suck right now. Or maybe they’ve always sucked and I haven’t noticed. My scroll game is strong and I am usually able to scroll right on past the bullshit, but there’s so much of it these days. I am mindful of my feed and have carefully cultivated it to be a positive and inspiring place for me, but the ugliness has crept in. And the people who only acknowledge my existence when they want to make a snarky ass comment. I can do without all of that. Life is too short to spend it aggravated with people who live behind a screen. Perhaps this is what’s going to finally cure my addiction. But I doubt it. Because as much as I would love to completely disconnect, I cannot. My business needs social media presence. So I unfollow. Constantly. And clearly I need to do more of it. Not today though. Today my schedule is FULL and I have a life to live in the real world. After the nap I have scheduled in my planner.