Tag: Letting go

Honoring ME

Leave a comment

I saw a Facebook status yesterday that read “Living in process opens you up to constantly seeing connections.” I loved that so much and it resonated with me in the biggest way. My therapist recently said to me that she “loves how I continue to process hours after our session.”  That statement made me laugh so hard, because my life is a constant state of processing. I live there.  It’s the air I breathe.  I love it. I am my favorite project. I spent so much of my life asleep and numb and if I’m honest, blacked out that I love being awake and living with awareness. I love learning about myself and how I work. That’s why I spend so much time “working on myself.’ Not because I am so fucked up. Because I’m not. Most of the time, I am pretty happy with myself. This week I had three separate healing sessions. Because if one is good, three is better. I am wired to be ALL in or ALL out. I know that about me and I’m good with it.  There are others out there. I am NOT the only one. As always, I had a therapy session. My therapist is a spiritual gangster. I got my weekly dose of “where spirituality meets psychology.” My favorite. On Friday, I had a “practice” LifeLine session with a friend of mine who is studying to be a practitioner. I know a few LifeLine practitioners and I LOVE them ALL. But, I wasn’t sure it would be for me. I am always resistant to the unknown. It seemed a little too Woo Woo for me and I had my doubts. But, since I love and trust my friend, I went in with an open mind and an open heart. I didn’t investigate it at all before I went and I had absolutely no idea what to expect. Which isn’t like me at all, because I am all about doing the research. I was a complete LifeLine virgin. And I loved it! She hit on some things that blew my mind. And, she did it through kinesiology which is science, not Woo Woo. Who knew?  LifeLine also focuses on aspects of Chinese Medicine, aromatherapy, epigenetics, EMDR, which we all know I’m the best at 😉 and tons of other really cool techniques. I’m guessing most of you are also unfamiliar with the process. You can check it out here.  I also went to an inner child healing workshop this weekend. Inner child healing is something I’ve been working on for a while now and it’s another thing I don’t seem to be the “best” at. Yet. Probably because I disconnected from that child. All of those little children. I went to this workshop on the down low, without telling people and kept it a “super secret” so I could have that space for myself without anyone I know being a part of the group. Wouldn’t you know when I pulled into that parking lot and stepped one foot out of my car, I heard my name being called. There are no super secrets in the healing community. And I hope this woman got what she needed out of this group. My jury is still out. But, I did spend the last two nights with some serious dreaming going on. Or, processing in my sleep, because that’s what it really was. So, maybe I got something from the group. This week I am going to take that child to play. Because she needs that. I had a mini melt down last week. It could have been the full moon/eclipse energy combined with all the celestial happenings. It could have been the PMS I was experiencing. It could have been that I was tired from the bazillion things I do. OR, it could have been that they all hit at once and I was just DONE. Only I wasn’t done because I had things to do. I know we have all been there. We push ourselves and we go and go. At least I do. Until I don’t. Which is exactly where I am. I took a day off to look at my schedule and made a few changes. I am cancelling my Monday and Wednesday 8 am classes so I can have those mornings for myself.  I’ve been on the fence about that for a while now, and I realize it was my soul telling me to let them go. Only I wasn’t listening. If you practice in the studio with me, be on the lookout for those schedule changes. I am down to 6 classes a week and I feel so good about that. I feel good about knowing what I need and honoring that. I have plenty of classes on the schedule and amazing teachers who love being there as much as I do. It’s a great feeling to know what I need and to be able to give that to myself. That comes from a lot of practice and doing the work. That comes from being mindful and intentional. Maybe next time I won’t even have to have the mini meltdown and eventually I will just listen to my soul as soon as I hear the whisper.  Before it yells at me. Practice!

Owning It

1 Comment

I have no intention of spending my entire adult life healing from my past, but I do have every intention of doing the work as thoroughly and deeply as I can for as long as it takes because I AM worth it. In the rooms of AA I have often heard it said that at 5 years the “real work” starts. I have to assume that means 5 years is around the time people start figuring out what the Hell happened in their lives to cause them to seek solace in a substance to begin with. There are those who strictly feel that nothing happened and they were born with the gene. That may be true for them. I am certain I was born with that gene. My family is full of alcoholics and addicts. Throw some “complex trauma” into the mix and I really didn’t stand a chance. Gene or no gene. As many times as I have been in therapy in my life, never have I ever addressed that complex trauma. Until recently. The complex trauma I am referring to is ongoing childhood sexual abuse. Things that were never my fault, but affected me for a lifetime. I’ve eluded to it here before but never came right out with the words. Because they are hard words to write about. I know the statistics, and I know that I am NOT the only one. Not even close. I am not writing about it for sympathy, I am writing about it because sharing my truth with the world is the best thing I can do for ME. I won’t go into details, but I will say that it seemed to me like I grew up with a stamp on my head indicating that I was the one to be used in this way. I was the one. It was OK to do these things to me. And I always wondered why. I thought something was wrong with me. I KNEW something was wrong with me. Today I know that this is just the way it goes with a child who has been sexually abused. We are either stuck in the vibration of being a victim or our body language changes in such a way that we are an easy target. And it happens again and again. To so many children. I’ve always been resistant to processing it in therapy, because I am an adult and these were things from my childhood. It seemed silly for me to go back and dig shit up. Especially since I didn’t necessarily think it was still affecting me. But, then those repressed memories started flooding back and I really had no choice. I have talked about EMDR therapy before and the fact that I suck at it. I wish I could process that way, because it seems like a quicker solution to me. I always say I suck at EMDR, but the reality is that I don’t suck at it, I just don’t seem to process that way. I happen to be really good at psychodynamic therapy. Maybe I’m even the best at it. Because that’s important. 😉 Two weeks ago my therapist and I were talking about some things that were “heavy.” That’s the only way I can describe how it feels to process those events. It feels like heavy energy weighing down on me. It’s shame. I know that today. I still have a lot of shame associated with that abuse. Intellectually, I KNOW that it’s not mine to carry and that I didn’t do anything wrong, but emotionally, it’s still there. Sometimes more so than others. This was one of those days. I left her office feeling bad about myself. I didn’t share that with her at the time. I drove myself straight to the tattoo shop. I just knew I needed a new tattoo right then and there. I was so disappointed when the tattoo shop was closed. This ended up being a blessing in disguise. I didn’t see it at that moment. It gave me an opportunity to figure out exactly what that need was about. At first I thought it meant I felt the need to hurt myself. But, now I realize that I just wanted to feel something different than what I was feeling. I have spent a lifetime wanting to feel something different than I was feeling. I am in no way against getting more tattoos, but I do realize impulsivity is something I need to be aware of. I really thought I was past that need to escape and I was good to go with “sitting with my feelings.” That experience was an eye opener for me and a reminder of what recovery is all about. It’s about healing on every level. It’s about being with uncomfortable experiences and staying present. I am not sure when those feelings of shame go away. I have read every Brené Brown book. I have read John Bradshaw’s books. I have a full understanding of how shame works. I just haven’t quite figured out how to completely move past it. I do all the reading, writing, meditating, energy work, therapy and body work. It isn’t a feeling that’s constantly there. But, when it hits, it hits hard as feelings of unworthiness. That’s a feeling that’s hard to sit with. I’ve heard the phrase “feelings aren’t facts” and it rings true here. I am worthy, simply because I AM. My hope is that sharing my truth is a step toward letting go of shame and a step toward empowerment. Empowerment is where it’s at.

Balance

5 Comments

I was getting really good at writing consistently for a minute. Until I wasn’t. Writing is the one thing that always feels like home to me, and yet, sometimes I avoid it. I missed all of April. It was a good month full of really high highs and some really low lows. I’m not bipolar and I don’t need medication. I just feel all the feels in a big way. It’s a good thing. Especially for someone who spent a lifetime numbing all those feels. I hosted Kirtan in the studio last month. It was powerful and it was beautiful. I am so in awe of this life that it occasionally takes my breath away. This was one of those times. To be in my studio surrounded by an entire collection of people I love and am loved by from all the different areas of my life was beyond amazing. AA peeps, yogis, Goddesses and a few friends from way back when. It was pure love. The vibration of that evening was so high that it took me a few days to recover. It was a huge crash after an outstanding high.
That weekend, Leon took me out to a rooftop bar for a concert in Wilmington. I wasn’t feeling it at all. That’s just not my scene anymore. But, Leon has loved the band that was playing since college and seeing him in his glory was fabulous. It was crowded and loud and as the evening wore on people were more and more obnoxious. Read drunk. I was well aware that I used to do the exact same thing, and I really tried to not be judgemental. I stepped out of the crowd and found a corner to chill in. Away from all the people. At that moment the Azalea Festival down below was coming to a close and the festivities ended with a huge fireworks display. I stood away from the crowd watching the fireworks which were phenomenal. What was even more phenomenal is that at that moment, I heard the lyrics of the song from the band. They were singing “Jesus Christ” over and over. They were calling out to THEIR Higher Power. It was like rock and roll Kirtan with awesome fireworks. It was so powerful that it’s hard to put into words. In that moment, in the sea of drunken chaos, I felt God. I shared it with Leon, but I’m not sure if he got it or not. I’m also not sure it was for him or anyone else to “get.” I got it. Loud and clear.
Then there are the lows. The lows for me last month came in the form of more repressed memories surfacing. I no longer feel crazy when it happens, but I do feel violated. It takes my breath away in a completely different way. My therapist assures me that eventually I will start to recover joyful memories once I clear out all the shitty ones. I can’t wait. For now, I’m still dealing with the shitty ones. They leave me feeling raw and vulnerable and afraid. When this happens, I want to hide from the world. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I have places to be and things to do that I can’t put off. Those are usually the exact things I need in my life to distract me and put me back into the present moment. I’ve always thought gratitude was the quickest way to raise my vibration, but after an experience I had working with another woman last week, I think selfless service ranks right up there. Those AA people were right again. Who knew? Life goes on and I move forward with an entire network of awesome humans who love and support me. I let go again and again and again. As many times as I need to. I remind myself that I am safe. The present moment is a beautiful moment.
My month ended on an incredible high. I was asked to sub “Yoga Church.” People who know me understand why this was so huge for me. For those of you who don’t, here’s a little backstory. The woman who teaches the Sunday morning “Yoga Church” class I attend used to be my therapist. I paid her a lot of money to sit in her office and bitch about how much I hated my life and almost everyone I knew. There were times I would show up drunk for therapy and be a complete asshole. I called her in the middle of the night on the emergency line on more than one occasion because, clearly, I needed her. Her response to those calls was always “oh, it’s you.” Then there was the time she called me out for wearing a tiny skirt by telling me she could see my vagina. Because, obviously, nobody else was going to tell me. I’m sure I called her and bitched at her for telling me that after I got home. I could go on and on with the ways I loved to hate this woman. She was hard on me and she was exactly what I needed at the time. She’s so special to me. Eventually, I started to hear the things she was saying to me. I trusted her and she didn’t steer me wrong. She introduced me to yoga, meditation and a complete different lifestyle. A (mostly) wholesome lifestyle. Sitting in her seat to teach was one of the highlights of my sober life thus far. Not because I did an amazing job and taught a packed class. I didn’t. The class was tiny and I hopefully did alright. The fact that she asked me to do it was everything. I was so emotional on Sunday morning as I drove to that class. I experienced love, compassion and forgiveness for the girl I used to be. I also experienced the soul explosion of joy and gratitude for the woman I am today and this beautiful life that I have worked so hard for. In fact, the soul explosion was so huge, that I took a three hour nap on Monday and used the day to recover. Balance eludes me. I have big emotions. I think it’s just who I am. I know for sure it’s better than being numb.

Connected and Divinely Guided

2 Comments

I hosted a moon circle last night. Like I do. It was powerful. Like they are. I LOVE holding space for women to heal, grow and support one another. During the new moon we always spend time writing in our journals. We use the collective energy of the group and the power of the new moon to set our intentions. I always take a peek back at my last new moon entry to see if my intentions are now my reality. They usually are. Last night I laughed so hard at the fact that all of this shit I have been dealing with in my own healing journey is exactly what I asked for. Seriously. I could tell by my writing that I was a bit angry at the last circle. Or maybe defeated. It certainly wasn’t joy and optimism that I was experiencing. I wanted to be open and vulnerable and feel ALL THE FEELS. And guess what? HAHAHAHAHA The Universe handed that gift to me in so many ways. I am in the process of working through some newly unrepressed (that’s totally a word now) traumatic childhood memories. I have been sitting with a lot of anger and a lot of grief. But the world keeps spinning and moving and life goes on while I figure it all out. I’m not exactly sure how long that takes, but if there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that I can’t force anything. I am just riding the wave and allowing it all to unfold. There is a purpose to all of this. I know that my own experiences will help someone else. Somehow. Someway. I am slowly finding gratitude. Shifting into a space of gratitude happens in waves. I just knew that these memories were coming up because it was time for me to let go. I knew it was time. I knew I was safe. I knew I was creating space for something better. And then it happened. I was sitting in an AA meeting on Monday when I received a text from my landlord. I told him I could call him at 1:00. Then I proceeded to think of everything in the world that could possibly be wrong that he must want to speak to me about. Because as much as I teach others not to do this, my mind still goes there. One day maybe I’ll get control of that bitch. In the meantime, I’ll keep practicing. And guess what? There was not a thing in the world wrong. Everything was so right in fact, that my landlord wanted to let me know that when the time comes and I am ready to expand he wants to build onto the studio for me! WHAT?! Say it with me…..HOLY SHIT! I had already accepted the fact that expanding meant I would most likely have to relocate to a different space. This opens up a whole new world to me. Further confirmation from the Universe that I am in alignment with my divine assignment. The idea is exciting and I have more options now. I have a new list of things to think about. A bazillion to be exact. I haven’t been in the space very long, and “the season” hasn’t started and I am not sure how much yoga this island can support but I’ll figure it out. Rebel Soul is a healing space. There is so much potential. I have no desire to play small. I can do great things. I am loved and supported by a tribe of amazing people. I am connected and divinely guided.

Strong Enough

Leave a comment

“That thing you are most afraid to write. Write that.” ~ Nayyirah Weed

An interesting thing happened to me last week. And by interesting I mean fucking horrible. I am not necessarily ready to write about it yet, but here I am anyway. Last week I had a lot of ugly and completely repressed childhood memories present themselves to me rather suddenly. I say this was suddenly, but maybe it wasn’t so sudden at all. I have been back in therapy for the past four months working through a lot of things, including childhood trauma. I began to process these new memories with my therapist last week. So many of you have reached out to me to talk about EMDR and how helpful it has been for you or a loved one. I am thrilled to hear your success stories. That has not been my experience with it. I just don’t process that way. Fortunately, the therapist I have isn’t Hell bent on continuing with something that’s not working for me. We are talking through a lot of things and I take it to my journals and my meditation. Sometimes things come out on my yoga mat. I process slowly but I am thorough. It seems to be working. It’s always helpful for me to share here because there will always be someone who will send me a “me too” message to help me through and remind me that I am not alone in this. Whatever this is. I’ve had a hard time with theses images coming back to me and honestly, it made me feel a bit crazy. I have a wonderful and wise friend who pointed out that I know these things happen to other people, I just didn’t think it would happen to ME. She was so right and so helpful to me in that moment. When I opened up to my therapist about this she had the sweetest smile on her face and she looked genuinely happy. It is her opinion that it’s time. I am strong enough and I finally feel safe enough to deal with this. This was somewhat comforting, but I’m not quite there in sharing in her happiness. And, because I am who I am, I questioned if maybe she was the crazy one. I called a friend of mine who is also a psychologist and opened up to him. I value his friendship and his opinion. Imagine my surprise when he seemed genuinely happy about this too. I began to feel a bit better about it and the way I’m thinking of it is starting to shift. It actually is interesting to find more pieces of my puzzle. Maybe this didn’t happen to me as much as it happened FOR me. I am trying to get into the space of feeling empowered by this. It might take a minute, but I’ll get there. Last week’s full moon was so powerful that I can’t help but think she was shining the light of awareness on this for me. Clearly it’s time for me to know these things so I can begin to let go of them. I know that when I let go I create space for better things to flow into my life. I asked The Universe to help me be open and I think this is how the Universe has responded. I’m creating space. None of this feels good to me and it’s not particularly fun to deal with. But, I’m doing it. Never once did it cross my mind to numb myself with alcohol or any other substance for that matter. There’s beauty in learning how to stay. I am not sleeping well because along with this came nightmares. I know they can’t last forever. In the meantime, I’m napping when I need to. I’m participating in immersive experiences that nourish my soul. I’m eating the things that make my body feel good and I’m journaling my way through this. And it’s working. I am learning so much more about myself through this process. My word of the year is “Learn.” I even got it tattooed on my arm. Just WOW. I keep coming back to “be careful what you ask for or you just might get it” statement. I feel connected and I feel heard. I don’t feel crazy. I feel healthy. If my mind wanders to that weird place that tries to tell me otherwise, I have a family to remind me that I am so loved and I have a host of amazing people to remind me that I’m a bad ass warrior. I’ll get through this and I’ll help others as I do. THAT is everything to me.

Trust

1 Comment

I have been a bit stuck lately. In a bit of a funk. Feeling heavy. But you know what? That shit doesn’t last forever and I am back on top. Today anyway. After kicking my own ass for what seems like forever over my perceived inability to keep my heart open, I went to see my friend AJ. She is a bad ass warrior goddess and one of my favorite people in the world. She is also an an amazing massage therapist. She has a good idea of what’s going on with me and we talked about it for a bit before she gave me the best massage of my life. She did some energy work on me during the massage and helped open me up, because really, I was stuck. I left there feeling completely drained and the only thing I wanted to do was cry. But there were no tears. Also, I had shit to do. I stopped by the grocery store for a couple of things, but as soon as I walked in the door I knew it wasn’t the place for me. But as I had one foot inside the store I saw my beautiful friend Nadine. I wrapped my arms around her and got the sweetest hug and felt the Nadine love that anyone who knows her has experienced. Then I immediately left the store. Because fuck that. I went home and drank herbal tea and rested for a bit before I ventured back out to live my life. I had a 4 o’clock yoga class to teach and then a moon circle to lead. My yoga students are always loving and kind. They were fine with me teaching an extra gentle class that day. Next came the moon circle that I didn’t really have the energy to facilitate. And guess what? The goddesses in my life didn’t judge me. They loved and supported me. We loved and supported each other. And we had a moon circle. A powerful moon circle. In the center of our circle was a jar of journal prompts that I wrote for the women to take home and reflect on. It was quite amazing to see how everyone reached their hand in the jar and happened to pick the one that was right in line with what they had shared about in the circle. The Universe is always awesome like that. My journal prompt said “What does trust mean to me?” So perfect. Because trust is a hard one for me. It’s part of the reason I do that thing I do. The “closing off” or if we want to use the word dissociate, we can. Whatever. I disconnect. I do it because I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel safe because I don’t trust. I don’t trust because I’ve been in situations in the past that weren’t safe. So I learned to go elsewhere. That came up for me in therapy this week. My therapist wasn’t nearly as bothered by it as I am. She is sure that when I am ready, I will let go of that protective mechanism. Maybe it’s just not time yet. Seems things don’t always happen NOW just because I want them to. They happen when they are supposed to. Or maybe when I stop forcing and start allowing. I think that’s the key. Allowing. I love everything about that word.
The trust word came up with my therapist Friday and I was asked to answer that question from my journal prompt. “What does trust mean to me?” The only thing I could come up with was non judgement. I have a fear of being judged. I always feel like I’m being judged. This opened up a whole can of worms that led me to investigate exactly who it is that judges me. Can you guess who it is that is constantly judging me? Because it only took me about two minutes to figure it out. Shit. It’s ME. I am so hard on myself. I criticize myself and am never quite as good as I think I should be. One of the women from moon circle even mentioned to me on Thursday that I seem to be hard on myself. As much as I teach about self love and self acceptance, there is always that little voice in my own head talking shit to me. She’s a bit of an asshole and likes to make me think I’m not worthy. That’s the voice I need to question. That’s who isn’t trustworthy. Now I get to practice the art of “taking a deep breath and remembering who the fuck I am.” I get to practice radical self love. Thank you Universe for the perfect timing on this lesson because yesterday I spent two and a half hours at my studio attending a workshop all about self love. My friend Sandi taught the workshop and it was wonderful. I connected with women I know and women I had never met. I was especially touched by two women who were 70 years old and learning all of the things that I am learning now. It reassured me that I am not behind and that this life is always a journey of learning, unlearning and relearning. I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment. I allow my life to unfold naturally. I flow. I don’t force.
This morning I woke up at 4:30. Partly because all of these thoughts were swimming in my head and partly because I was excited to go to yoga church and practice with my favorite teacher. My Catherine. Another bad ass woman in my life.
There’s really no way for me not to heal, recover and thrive. There’s no way I could possibly stay in a low vibration for too long. My life is a steady stream of experiences that nurture my body, mind and spirit. I have designed my life that way. My entire life supports my healing and recovery. That is bad ass! I did that work. Me. The more I look at that and think about it the more I realize that I can trust myself. I am trustworthy AF. I know exactly how to care for me. I know how to keep me safe. I know how to love and support myself. I know exactly what I need and I am capable of making sure I get it. It definitely helps that I have an amazing tribe of bad ass women to love and support me and hold hands with me along the way. It takes a village. For all of us. My village rocks so hard. ❤️

Born to Fly

3 Comments

“If you want to fly you have to give up what’s weighing you down.” I love inspirational quotes because without them I might not have survived 2012. Seriously. I would scroll through my FB newsfeed and feel those quotes in my soul and sob because I just couldn’t pull it together. Letting go of what weighs us down is never as easy as it sounds. Especially when you don’t even know what you are holding onto. Alcohol was a hard one for me to let go of, but oh my, when I did, I began to soar. I’ve basically had two lives. The drunk life or BS-Before Sobriety and my current, sober life. Sober life is the shit. It’s all the feels all the time. Unless I am throwing up an emotional wall to not feel things, which I still do, but that’s another post for another time. I am always in the process of letting go of something. It’s a practice. I’m not a one and done type of person, but I am oh so thorough. This week’s practice is all about letting go of self limiting beliefs. I am worthy of all the good things in my life. I have done the work to be where I am. I am letting go of doubts. I have a little voice that will talk me right out of doing the things I want and need to do if I listen to it. I am letting go of judging myself harshly. I’m letting go of all the ways I get in my own way. And then there’s the list of things that I’m just not ready to let go of yet. And that’s OK. I have a beautiful (to me) reminder in the form of a tattoo on my rib that I can “Let it Be.” When I let go of the things that weigh me down, I create space in my life for the things that inspire me. I create space for the things that bring me joy and lead to my ultimate happiness. When I let go, I create space for spirit to enter me and flow through me, working its magic and helping me shine my light into the world. ❤️