There’s nothing like peeking back through old journals to realize how far you’ve come. Once upon a time this was me, giving myself a little affirmation pep talk. 4 1/2 years ago that was the best I had. I find this hilarious today, although at the time it was serious business. Knowing that “I am ok” was enough. Knowing that “things could be worse” was good enough for me. It’s amazing to me how day by day we don’t notice how we are growing and changing, but then we see a reminder of who we used to be and WOW! When did that happen? It sure as Hell didn’t happen overnight. I became the queen of affirmations in a treatment center. I plastered my walls and mirrors with post it notes of affirmations. Not that I believed them, but they were nice to read. I wrote affirmations for the other women in the center too. They loved it and would seek me out every morning so I could give them a new one for the day. It gave us something positive to focus on and made us all feel a little better. For me it was the beginning of learning to love myself. Today I am a bad ass spiritual gangster who breathes love and light into the world and radiates peace and serenity. See?! I’m so much better at the way I speak to myself today. Because I practice. I have learned to speak to myself like I speak to other people I love. I have compassion for myself and when I make a mistake, which I often do, I forgive myself and move on. I don’t berate myself or get stuck coming down on myself. That’s not helpful and it causes more harm.
And while I’m here talking about growth, and sharing old journal entries, here’s this little gem. A few of my followers and friends will totally get this. This one is from an old Therapy workbook.
Another thing I didn’t understand before I got sober was emotions. I think I had a good idea of what anger was. I was fortunate enough to land my ass in a Dialectical Behavior Therapy group to help me figure my emotions out. It was like Kindergarten for the emotionally unstable alcoholic I was. I sat in this group looking around at the people at the table and judging them because they had real problems. Unlike me. Who was sitting at the same table. Not at all unlike the way I sat in AA meetings judging “those people.” 😂 Life is funny. Growth is beautiful. I don’t even recognize that girl today but I remember her. I much prefer the woman I know and love today.